Wednesday, October 29, 2008

The Spoon

All my sister & have to say is “the spoon” around my mom and we all crack up.

My sister & I were in BIG trouble one day. So much trouble, Mom sat us down on the living room steps. This is where my parents always sat us when they wanted to talk to us together – I guess the couch was too comfortable and the hard steps were part of the punishment. She had also gotten out the wooden spoon – oh, oh.

So, Mom’s yelling at us. All I can remember right is “blah, blah, blah, AND I MEAN IT!” She smacked that spoon on the top of the knee wall she was leaning on and it split in two!

My sister & I busted up laughing – we couldn’t help it. Thank goodness Mom didn’t have another spoon handy! Fortunately, it was enough to relieve my mom’s anger and she started laughing too.

My mom lost all control over us from then on out. Anytime one of us was doing something that might get us in trouble, the other said, “Better watch it, Mom might get the spoon out.” Laughter would ensue and Mom’s punishments would be lighter. Like being sent to your room for the evening – never mind the TV, telephone & radio we each had.

Silver lining:
1. I learned a valuable lesson that day – spoons are not infallible.
2. I made a mental note not to make my kids rooms so comfortable that it’s not a punishment to be separated from the family for an evening.

Monday, October 27, 2008

BEWARE - El Chimichanga

I mean El Chupalupa.

No, El Chupacabra. This is a bloodsucking extraterrestrial that preys on livestock and prefers goats.

My friend Kitty’s family believes in this thing – and it could be here in Missouri.

The fact that is officially classified as an extraterrestrial, gives one the first clue that it is an urban myth. The second clue is that this mean ET was originally seen in Puerto Rico, but it is now associated more with Mexico. Third, the first sighting was in 1995, the same year “Species” was one of the top 30 grossing movies of the year. The resemblance between the creature in this movie and this bloodsucker is uncanny.

Somehow this chupalupa (as I affectionately call it), has made its way to Missouri. How did it get here? Well, I have a theory on that.

First, it had to get off Puerto Rico so it must have hitched a ride as a stowaway on a cruise ship. Unless, it was a Halloween cruise, then it could have just boarded as is. Other cruise goers would probably wonder why this “person” wore their costume all the time, but the exceptionally weird people are usually left alone. Exceptionally weird people tend to be talkers about stuff nobody cares to hear about and mistake you talking to them as an attempt by you to bond with them in everlasting friendship. A cruise ship, while quite large, is a moving island with no escape; thus, the exceptionally weird are avoided by normal people.

Second, once it got to Mexico and wiped out the goat population, it had to move on to greener pastures – the United States!! Perhaps it saved a few goats to trade with the “coyote” for a ride across the border. Again, he might not get away with it until Halloween so timing is key. On the other hand, if the coyote really needed some goats, he might not ask a lot of questions.

Finally, the chupalupa got a ride on the drug expressway. Interstate 44 (pronounced farty-far for some St. Louisans) is known for being a gateway to the Midwest for drug cartels. The chupalupa jumped off at Independence. Independence is not know for their goat population (it’s apparently the real gateway to the West, never mind the fact that St. Louis has the big arch), so Kitty’s mom won’t leave her dog out in the yard for long because the hungry chupalupa might be lurking.

Silver lining
1. Thank heaven for http://www.snopes.com/ – the saving grace for telling us whether every outlandish story we here is real or not.
2. Having never heard of this before Friday, but now a self-proclaimed expert, I don’t really think it came to Missouri. Why would you leave someplace warm like Puerto Rico or Mexico for Missouri (it is quite cold out today)?

Thursday, October 23, 2008

It's Hard Being This Damned Smart

His words, not mine. When I say his, I mean my darling husband.

When we have a big day coming up (holidays, election, leaving an employer, etc), one week before the day, Hubby will in announce, “It’s the second to last, second to last day!”

What?!?!?!?!?

He’s been saying this for years and I never really understood it. He could explain it a thousand times and I would get it for the moment and then forget.

Do YOU get it?

Here’s the rationale:

Let’s say Halloween is our big day, which is on Friday, October 31st this year. This is the last day.

We’ll work backward from here.

Thursday, October 30th is the second to last day (we all use this phrase)

Wednesday, October 29th is the third to last day

Tuesday, October 28th is the fourth to last day

Monday, October 27th is the fifth to last day

Sunday, October 26th is the sixth to last day

Saturday, October 25th is the seventh to last day

Friday, October 24th is the eighth to last day. However, this could also be called your second to last Friday. Because Thursday, October 30th is your second to last day already, Friday, October 24th is your “second to last, second to last day.”

OH, MY GOSH! How many years to you think this has festering in his mind? It’s been at least five years because the phrase was first uttered two houses ago. Believe it or not, he thinks this was a stroke of genius! It just came to him one day.

Unfortunately, he is not the only one with a really weird theory about dates. Another time, I’ll discuss my sister, Sissy, and her “pretty number” thing.

Silver lining: Good thing I am not that weird – our kids would really be messed up. Considering both Hubby & Sissy have a thing with dates, it’s coming from both sides of the family. It may be too late, my kids are definitely screwed.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Jury Duty . . .

You get the summons in the mail and groan.

Nobody really wants to serve on a jury, but it’s something almost all of us with a driver’s license will have to suffer through one day. It’s our “civic duty” – gag me!

I got my first summons and had to report to the court house yesterday. It’s amazing how many people think they are way more important than everyone else so they should be excused.

First off, I was Juror 206 out of ???. All that mattered was Jurors 1 thru 210 had to report, unless you had already been excused. Apparently, 114 people had come up with good excuses when the summons first showed up in their mailboxes because of the 210, only 96 of us had to report. I should have put something on the form – what’s the most outrageous, hardly believable, but somewhat probable excuse I could have come up with?

Request for excuse: I can not report for jury duty on October 20th because I’m sure my parents are coming to get me on that day. I was left on the door step of the local Walgreen’s with a broken locket inscribed with 1020 W. From what I understand, there was a flash of light in the sky and a shiny disk flew away after I was placed in a plastic basket that had been left outside. Each year on October 20th, I sit patiently at the Walgreen’s, waiting for their return. I’ll know it’s them because they will have the other half of the locket with the rest of my real name on it. You see, “1020” must refer to October 20th & the “W” is the first letter of my first name, which is really “Weglesnar”. I have a spooky feeling this is going to be the year. The courts certainly would not want to be responsible for me missing out on this once in a lifetime event.

You think they would buy it?

Of the people who didn’t have written excuses and had to show up, three stood out:

One lady showed up with her baby in a stroller. She claimed her sitter had an emergency so she had to bring her son with her. For all I know, she borrowed a kid from a neighbor. Good gig – I’ll have to remember that for next time. Can you just imagine me dragging in Cupie? I’m sure I could train her to annoy everyone with a bunch of silly kid questions until they offered to pay me to take her away. Wait a minute, she is pretty good at that silly kid question thing. It wouldn’t take much to crank it up to REALLY annoying.

Another guy lamented about the fact that he was leaving for an “executive conference” on Tuesday. If he got picked for jury duty, he would be the only executive in his company not in attendance. Wah, wah, wah. “All the other kids got to go!” It was probably some motivational pow-wow where they all go boating, deep sea fishing, or some other unnecessary executive perk-ing.

A nurse in a chemo-therapy office said her boss was probably just going nuts today. “I don’t know how they are going to make it through the day without me” – can you say “DIVA!” Apparently, she asked for an excuse letter, but her employer would not provide one because they feel it is a person’s civic duty to serve. If her absence was really going to put them in some kind of terrible bind, surely, they would have made an exception. Anybody who thinks they are irreplaceable is in for a rude awakening one day.

Sure, I did my share of complaining. Who wouldn’t? I sat there all day and never saw the inside of a courtroom. I complained about what I could have done instead of sitting there, but I knew I didn’t have a real excuse so I sucked it up. I certainly did not make comments that would insinuate that my time was more important than anyone else’s.

Life is life – get on with it!

Silver lining:
I got to read the first couple chapters of a new book – I didn’t even have to sneak away to the bathroom for peace & quiet.
I discovered my electronic “Sudoku” game needed new batteries because it had been left on last time someone (probably me) played with it. I’ll know to check it next time.
I now know how long I can sit in a metal chair before my butt goes numb – it’s about 1 ½ hours, in case you were wondering.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

I Like to Talk . . .

If you've ever met me, or read enough of this blog, you know, I have a lot to say! I don't think I ever really admitted it until recently. Admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery. Unless, you want to stop reading this blog, you should hope I never make it past step one. I digress, but to make my point . . .

I love my friend Demi, but DUDE, she is a slow eater. I know you should slow down and enjoy your food. Honestly, this is just the way Demi is - she is always the last one to finish a meal.

We went out to lunch at Dave & Busters recently. I don't know what we ordered and it doesn't matter. I finished my meal long before Demi. I was chatting away as she was eating and at one point, she stopped and asked me, "Do you mind if I keep eating?"

I said, "Of course not! You eat, I get to talk!"

Silver lining:
I have a dear & cherished friend in Demi. There is no need to look for a silver lining when you have friends like her.

Monday, October 13, 2008

I'm Going Crazy, Want to Come Along?

That was my dad's favorite expression when I was growing up. He would have the car keys in his hand and I would ask, "Where are you going?"

The response was usually, "Crazy, want to come along?"

The answer was always yes.

My kids drive me crazy sometimes. Take, for example, a recent dinner at the Covey household . . .

Part of the meal consisted of macaroni & cheese. My husband has gotten both girls hooked on BBQ sauce on their mac-n-cheese (GROSS!) so it is now a standard request. One night, we were out of sauce (DUN-DUN, DUUUUUUUUUN).

Cupie: I want some BBQ sauce.

Me: We don't have any.

Cupie: But I want some.

Me: Didn't you hear me? We don't have any BBQ sauce.

Cupie: BUT I WANT SOME.

This was obviously a lose, lose situation so I did what every good mother should. I ignored her and ate my dinner. Now, don't give me that look of horror! The way I figure it, I didn't throttle her; therefore, I'm a good mom.


Silver lining:
1. I may have broken the BBQ sauce on macaroni & cheese habit.
2. I'm one step closer to the nut house - where I can veg out & sleep all day in a padded room

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

How Do You Argue With That???

Dinner. It's always a good source of blog fodder.



We hadn't had pizza in awhile and I wanted pizza. I'm the mom and I can make those kinds of decisions.



The pizza was in the oven cooking already when Kate asked me what were having for dinner.



Me: We're having pizza!



Cupie: I don't want pizza.



Me: I know you like pizza. You'll be hungry later if you don't eat with us.



At the dinner table, Rob took over the negotiations.



Hubby: Here, just try some pizza.



Cupie: I don't want pizza.



Hubby: You've had it before. I know you like it.



Cupie nibbles on a piece.



Hubby: Did you like it?



Cupie: Yes.



Hubby: See. I told you, you liked pizza



Cupie: I didn't say I didn't like pizza, I said I didn't want pizza.



Now, I ask again, how do you argue with that????



Silver lining:


  • Our baby is growing up and is actually understanding the nuances of the english language.

B&E 101 - Have an Escape Route

There is a lot of new construction around our house and I am nosy.

Once a house is under roof, I like to wander in and check it out. As it was, there was a nifty looking two story house built facing the green space near us. It was a style I had not seen in our community yet so I had to check it out. I was supposed to be "exercising" by walking directly to the mail center and back, but where is the story in that????

Any who. The door to this house is on the side - weird, I know. While the door had a latch, it didn't have a regular door knob, just an hex-head wrench-like device in the hole acting as a handle. I wandered in and made note the family room and kitchen, then wandered upstairs. The drywall was up and some vinyl on the kitchen floor, but nothing else so it didn't take long to take the tour.

I needed to be on my way because if I got home an hour after I left with no mail, I'd be in trouble. Back to the front door I went, only to find that there was no handle on the inside of the door - CRAP!!!!

In the kitchen, there was another door leading to the back yard - whew! I opened this door and looked down six feet at a sea of mud. Fantastic (not)! There were egress windows to the basement on either side of this doorway I was peeking out of, but they were at least four feet down AND to either side of me! The construction workers had placed a 2X10 across the span between the wells, but with all the recent rain, it was already bowing. Not to mention the fact that a 2X10 laying flat, stretched at least six feet between supports, is not very stable. I could just visualize myself stepping down on that board, thinking I had solid footing right before the CRACK! The board would snap & I would be sandwiched between two flying pieces of 2X10 right before I fell face first into the mud sea. DOUBLE CRAP!!!

OK - just think. I figured I could hang onto the door frame and swing myself out to one of the window wells and land on the edge. Considering the wallowing in the mud scenario above, this seemed the best alternative. Fortunately, my aim was pretty good on this day. I landed safely.

Now, I had a new problem. The door was still open. With all the rain, I didn't want anything inside getting damaged so I need to find a way to close it - how is that for a considerate criminal? I looked around (and discovered my next problem, but let's finish with this one first), but there was nothing. Just little ole me on my little ole ledge. I reached, managed to grab the bottom of the door and pull it toward me. But I had to get me fingers out of the way before it closed. It only took three or four times before I got enough momentum going, but it finally closed.

The problem I alluded to is that there was NOTHING around me. Nothing but the solid wall of a house, a window well, and the mud sea. I had at least twenty feet to the nearest solid surface, save for a little patch of grass/weeds just large enough for a person to stand on. The plan was to leap to the patch, stop, then re-group. I leaped out to the patch, but the momentum was too great so there was no stopping! I had to keep going, but managed to only take one step in the mud before getting to the alley!!!!!!!

I composed myself, looked back at the house, then got back to the original mission - getting the mail. I walked down the alley and realized there were neighbors sitting on their porch with prime viewing of my escapade!!!

I walked up to their porch and opened with, "I know you guys must be thinking, 'What, the heck was she doing?!?'" Wouldn't you know it, they didn't even see me! I totally busted myself for no reason!


Silver lining:

1. I learned to NEVER close the door behind me when I'm snooping unless there is an operational door knob.

2. My heart got more aerobic exercise escaping that house than it would have had I leisurely gone and gotten the mail as planned.

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