Christmas Is . . .

Wishing everyone the Merriest Christmas ever!

Besides the obvious (and by obvious, I mean the birth of our Savior Jesus Christ, not Santa and presents), what does Christmas mean to me? Well, you all are in luck because I plan to tell you.

Mistletoe. A bell hangs from the bottom of ours. We like to stand under it and ring the bell so someone notices and gives us a kiss. Good thing there is a bell because standing under the mistletoe loudly saying (Will Farrell style), "I'm standing under the mistletoe. The mistletoe has someone standing under it. Hello people, mistletoe stander here." Well, that would just be weird.

Extra days off work. Not that they are really days off. The kids get up at six in the morning because they don't understand the concept of sleeping in on a day off. Then, there is the cooking, shopping, housecleaning, etc. that you feel you must do while on vacation. I don't know anyone who takes time off work and actually loafs around their own house. Most of the time we pay good money to travel someplace in order to act like a bump on a log in the name of being on vacation. Never mind the fact that if you were disciplined enough you could do it at home for FREE!

Risking your dignity in order to get the very last, "I must have it" present. We've all been there. Everyone out there has tried to make a child's dream come true at some point.

Return lines for all those thanks-but-that's-not-what-I-wanted-you-should-have-done-a-gift card items. I really don't like giving gift cards. But forcing someone to stand in line to return an item, get a store credit and have to stand in line to buy what they really want just doesn't seem very Christmas-y. A gift card just expedites the process. I actually like getting a gift card for places I don't normally shop for myself. It forces me to do something for me.

Yuletide carols. What is a yule? I jumped away to look that up (not that you could tell) - apparently, it has something to do with a 12 day hunt that occurred around this time of year in good ole Germany. I wonder if that hunt yielded dancing ladies, drummers drumming, golden rings and a partridge in a pear tree too.



Cupie. The sparkle in her excited eyes rivals any star in the sky. She's a rare creature who will insist you tickle her more which I happily indulge in just to hear her laughter.

Hubby. Without my husband there is no Christmas. Not because he gets me a lot of presents. He is my champion, he is my soul mate. He is the killer of spiders, the disciplinarian of children, the believer in Reagan-omics. God brought Hubby to me, and I accepted His gift with all my heart. There is no Christmas without my husband because there is no Christmas without God.

Ringing bells announcing the beginning of church services. I know they are rung before every service, but on Christmas, they just sound a little richer, bolder, truer.

Iridescent sheen on fancy stuff - clothes, ornaments, napkin rings. Twinkly lights shining through the light layer of snow.

Stinkles. With hair that is a deeper and more beautiful red than any Christmas bow, she has the passionate personality to match. It's that passion I love so much. Her stubborn attitude is the one that insists that she's not tired even though she's falling asleep standing up. And it's the one to force me to set aside the need get out the door for the appointment I'm already late for in order to snuggle for a couple of minutes.

Time with friends. We had a progressive dinner recently. It only took us five or six hours to "have dinner", but it is a highlight each year. Yes, there is A LOT of food. But making the time for conversation, laughter, and enjoying the company you're with is an important part of the feeling of Christmas.

Mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters - family. Then, there is the extended family. And the friends who might as well be family. Wow, the house can get pretty full! Much better than the alternative. May we all be able to spend this time of year with someone.

Astronomical budget bleeding. I can't help it!

Struttin' around in your giant pink bunny suit, or what ever obnoxious article of clothing your weird aunt _____________(insert the name of your choice here)made you this year. It's more fun to strut around like a proud peacock than to sulk in a corner. Have fun with it!

Silver Lining:

1. In a world full of sin, God sent his only child to die for our sins.


2. I don't think we need anything more than that. Merry Christmas everyone!

Memory Making Moments

The holidays are a great opportunity to make memories with your family, aren't they?

Yes, they are. And, wowie, my family has me to record them all. They're so lucky!

My Mother-In-Law thought it would be nice to have ALL of us sit in the dining room. That makes 11 people sitting around an eight foot table in a 12 X 12 room. The usual dining chairs would have taken up too much room around the table so there were folding chairs interspersed. Since the dining chairs sat a little taller, we put the kids in the dining chairs so they would get a little boost.

Of course, as soon as Hubby sat down, he noted how high the table felt. Out loud.

Then, the kids trickled in.

"Hey, why do we have to sit in the big chairs?" You would think this would be a treat not a trick. Oops, wrong holiday. Naturally kids are going to complain about any perceived inequality. Never mind the fact they got the more comfortable chairs.

Uncle Jay entered the room and sat in one of the folding chairs.

"Dude, these chairs are low!"

My niece Amy pointed out that Nana's "Days 'til Christmas" sign said there were only 10 days until Christmas. Being the bright fourth grader she is, she knew Christmas couldn't possibly be that close. It's only Thanksgiving! Duh!

Popo was pouring wine. I had my amaretto & 7-up from earlier so I was good. Hubby & his brothers don't drink wine so they poured their sodas in their wine glasses. Classy, I know.

There was a lot of chaotic conversation. Popo was trying to say grace. There was probably some burping & farting.

"Shut up! It's time to pray!"

"Thank you oh, Lord, for these, thy bountiful gifts which we are about to receive. In Jesus Name, Amen."

"Amen."

More chaotic conversation.

"Did you know the 'Days until Christmas' sign is wrong?"

"Why are these chairs so low?"

"Throw me a roll. Really, your mom's not looking. Go ahead throw it here."

"More wine anyone?"

Hubby started coughing. He has these fits sometimes. I've come to learn that as long as he's still breathing, to just wait it out and then ask if he's ok.

Being a nurse, my mother in law is also well aware of this protocol.

Everyone stopped talking for a moment.

Hubby did stop coughing and there was a collective sigh of relief.

"Whew, at least no one has to do the Heimlich."

"The hiney lick? That's gross."

"I'm not licking any one's hiney."

"There's no green been casserole?"

"You know if it really came down to it . . ."

"Oh, alright. If it really came down to it, I would like a hiney if necessary."

"Thank goodness, that's not how you really stop someone from choking."

"No, but someone might start choking if they got a hiney lick."

"We're having vegetable casserole this year."

"Or, you might be the one choking if you were the one giving the hiney lick."

"Beans are good for your heart."

"Why am I sitting so low?"

"I know a song about beans."

"There's more than ten days until Christmas you know."

"I'll take some more of that wine now."


Silver Lining:

1. Dinner was delicious. My in-laws out-did themselves yet again this year.


2. Time with family is precious. As chaotic as it was, I wouldn't trade my family for anything.

Rotate This. . .

We’re going to a trivia event this weekend and the theme is “Let’s Go to the Movies.” Instead of going with a specific movie, we’re doing the Oscars.

Hubby wants to make a huge Oscar (cut out of luan) and put it on our rotating Christmas tree stand so it spins around. The problem? Our Christmas tree stand no longer rotates.

After picking his way through the Goodwill donation section, the luggage section, & the Sunday school supplies section, he finally arrived at the Christmas section of our basement. Fortunately, the stand was near the front of the Christmas pile so he was able to haul it out easily.

I had recently unpacked some boxes (we moved into our house a year and half ago & I still have boxes!) and found not one, but two cans of WD-40. Just in time, because Rob decided that was what the Christmas tree stand needed to get it rotating again.

Spray, spray, spray.

Plug in.

Turn on.

Motor running – no spinning.

Well, it must be hung up on something on the inside. There was a screw on the bottom, which he took out, but we still couldn’t get the “guts” cover off in order to inspect the “guts”.

We needed the mini pry bar!

To the basement, yet again. We looked over by the furnace, in the stack of unpacked boxes of workshop gizmos, and the top of the table saw (obviously gets a lot of use based on the amount of stuff on top of it – NOT).

No mini pry bar.

I finally looked in the tool chest. Low and behold, it was there. Who would have thunk it?

For some reason, prying off the bottom of the tree stand became my job. He sat on the couch and watched me.

I could get the pry bar between the top & bottom covers, but I could get it off. I needed more leverage. To the basement for the “Superbar”. I had seen this in the earlier search, so I knew exactly where it was.

So I’m jamming the crowbar under the lip of the bottom cover & pushing as hard as I can. Hubby got up off his butt and tried standing on one side of it to give me a little more leverage. Still no go on frickin’ that cover.

Now, he decided to point out that from the other side, looking down in the hole where the tree stump goes, you can see there is a machine screw in there. Not the head, but the bottom.

I figure, hey, the whole thing is plastic, I should be able to pound something down in there and strip it out. Guess what? I went to the basement again.

I came back with a HUGE long screw. I start banging around with my 2 oz hammer and that bolt isn’t moving. Once again, Hubby, my knight in shining armor, steps in to help. First, he sent me to the basement to “find a real hammer”, meaning the Craftsman heavy ass one.

He’s banging away and suddenly, leaps back with a “YOW! Son of a Bitch!” He had totally hammered full force on this thumb. He was in the kind of pain that travels up your arm so you can’t move it and you have difficulty breathing. This wasn’t funny – he was in serious pain.

After playing nursemaid for a bit, I started studying that stupid tree stand again. Hmmmm, there is a smaller cover embedded on the big bottom cover.

I started whacking away at that. ZING! The little cover went flying across the room. I’m lucky I didn’t shoot someone’s eye out.

WHAAAAAAAAAAH! The head of the screw!!!

Take that screw out and the whole thing opens like magic!

I took it apart very carefully. Not carefully enough because I knocked out the balls in the ball bearing ring. These were nasty. There was black goo all over them, but I put them back in, & lubricated all the moving parts.

Hubby had enough forethought to test the motor before putting it back together. We plugged it in, turned it on & voila – the motor ran smoothly.

I put that sucker back together – no less than a bazillion parts – and tried it out again. The damn thing wouldn’t turn!

We decided, the motor must not have enough power anymore to turn the weight of the tree stand, but Rob figures he can still use the motor and rig up a way to put the “Oscar” on top.

We’ll just see how this turns out.

Silver lining:

1. Good thing we tested this last night instead of waiting until Saturday.


2. The ball bearing goo stain on the carpet seems to have come out.


3. I’m getting a new Christmas tree stand so I’ll be back to “Lazy Ass” decorator by letting the tree rotate while putting on the gold beads & ornaments. God forbid, I have to walk around the tree a hundred times.

My Leg Lamp

My girls really like “A Christmas Story”. The one where “You’ll shoot you’re eye out!”

We had Ken, Roxie & their girls over for dinner recently and the girls wanted to watch it. I decided, “Whatever. Never mind that Christmas was two months ago.” And turned it on. Even though they like the movie, they quickly got distracted and were off to play dress-up. Did we turn the movie off? No way!

All the adults can almost recite it line by line – it’s a great movie! We all have our favorite part. Mine is “The Leg Lamp”.

Now, if you’ve never seen the movie, you are truly missing out. Never the less, I’ll fill you in.

The Old Man (he isn’t given a name, he’s just “Old Man” – really, that’s how it is in the credits), gets notification that he has won a major award. He has no idea what it is, but he’s ecstatic none the less. When it finally arrives, it’s in a crate labeled “Fragile”. Old Man pronounces it “Fra-GEE-lay” and thinks it’s something Italian. Anyone who has seen the movie knows what it means when someone describes an item as “fra-GEE-lay”. Old Man opens the crate, digs around, and pulls out a lamp.

A lamp sounds harmless enough, but this is a life-size plastic leg, complete with a high heeled shoe and fishnet stockings. I could see how this would be something Italian – Italian whore house maybe, but Italian. The lampshade accompanying the lamp is black with fringe on it – I think it is supposed to look like a skirt.

Old Man puts it in the front picture window for all, to the horror of the mom (again, no name), to see. One day the mom is watering the plants and “accidently” tips the lamp over and it breaks into a bunch of pieces. “Was it an accident? No one will ever know, but the saga of the lamp will be discussed and debated in the Parker family for years to come!”

That same line is repeated in our family (we replace Parker with Covey). You see, I have my own leg lamp so to speak.

It’s really a boot.

Some time ago, Hubbys’s mom gave him a boot Christmas ornament. That first Christmas together, I opted not to put the boot on the tree. It didn’t fit the “theme” I was going for (mostly Disney ornaments), and at the time, it wasn’t really my taste. This happened for a couple of years before Hubby actually asked me about it. I explained, but he insisted it go on the tree. Fine.

A year later, when we got out the Christmas decorations, the boot was in the ornament box – BROKEN! I could swear up & down that I did not break it, but Rob would not believe me.

I got away with leaving the broken boot in the box for a couple more years (he wouldn’t let me throw it away), before I finally got out the glue. We had had glue for quite some time as I had not used it all up on purpose. Why he didn’t get the glue out himself, I just don’t know.

After repairing the boot with great care, I was going to place it on the tree. By now Disney was not the theme because we had slowly acquired several bright & colorful non-Disney ornaments. I start out placing ornaments here & there haphazardly. As I get further along, I fill in bare spots. It just so happened there was a bare spot on the side of the tree. Of course, this was the perfect spot for the bone of contention, “The Boot”.

Boy did I get an earful for that! He insisted that I move it to front & center – to prove forevermore that I did not break the boot on purpose.

Now, it’s an annual game – to him. He watches me put up ornaments every year and always reminds me to put up the boot – front & center. Considering he doesn’t help put up the Christmas ornaments, I’ll tell you where I’d like to stick a boot (but not “The Boot”) – backside center!

Silver lining:
1. I have grown to appreciate the boot over the years. I only pretend to not want to put it in the front.

2. We have one of the weirdest Christmas traditions.

3. Hubby at least helps me get the tree & decoration boxes out of the basement - the tree is heavy!

And a Beer . . .

I don’t know how it started, but the Twelve Days of Christmas came up. Cupie could not remember how it went and wanted us all to help her remember by singing. Knowing it would take us forever to sing the song, I suggested we start at the twelfth day.

Cupie: Noooooo, start at the beginning.

Adults: On the first day of Christmas, my true love sent to me . . .

Hubby: A beer.

After an eye roll & playful scowl, I continue with, “a partridge in a pear tree.”

To satisfy the children we continued.

On the second day of Christmas, my true love sent to me, two French hens . . .

We all stopped, knowing that was wrong.

Me: Oo! Oo! It’s turtle doves!

Two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree.

On the third day of Christmas . . .

On the fourth day . . .

On the fifth day . . .

On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me

PAUSE

PAUSE MORE

Six geese a laying, five goooooold rings, four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree.

On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love sent to me, seven geese a laying, no seven swans a swimming, eight maids a milking

Hubby: You’re going backwards!!

Uh, six geese a laying

Me: And a beer!

Believe it or not, no alcohol had been consumed.


Silver lining:
1. We finally finished all twelve days.
2. We've compiled the following versions of "The 12 Days of Christmas" for your listening pleasure:
http://www.quailonline.net/12days/Bob_and_Doug_McKenzie_Twelve_Days_Of_Christmas.wma
http://www.quailonline.net/12days/Chipmunks_Twelve_Days_of_Christmas.wma
http://www.quailonline.net/12days/Natalie_Cole_Twelve_Days_Of_Christmas.wma
http://www.quailonline.net/12days/Straight_No_Chaser_Twelve_Days_of_Christmas.wma
http://www.quailonline.net/12days/Twisted_Sister_Heavy_Metal_Christmas.wma

Don't Eat the Flowers!

My grandma is a remarkable woman.

When she was 85, she was "Gettin' Jiggy With It" at my wedding. I love that memory.

She says things like, "Beau-ti-ful" and "Won-der-ful" while exaggerating the vowel in the first syllable.

She is now 94 and still volunteers at a center that prepares meals / helps those in need. God bless my Uncle Dan who lives with her and helps take care of her. Dan also drives her everywhere because she can't see worth a darn!

While we were up in Wisconsin, Grams joined us for a Thanksgiving feast at my dad's.

Everything was delicious - turkey, dressing, home-made gravy, lumpy non-powder potatoes, pink jello stuff, seven layer salad, the ever present green bean casserole - mmmmmmmmmm!

Dan, in all his kindness, loaded Grams plate with a little bit of everything. When he was going back for seconds of seven layer salad, my grams said, "Oh, what's that?"

He told her what it was, to which she replied, "I didn't get any of that."

He said that she had gotten a little bit of everything. I also pointed out that there was still a little on her plate, as evidenced by the peas.

She bent her head down to look and says, "Oh, I can't see what's on my plate. I've just been eating what's here. All I know is I'm not eating the flowers." She was talking about the design on plate even though they actually had leaves on them.

Gotta love her!


Silver lining:
1. Being 500 miles away, we don't get to see her very often. At 94 we are blessed to still have her here on earth and we all got a chance to see her at least one more time.
2. We made my grams' year by being there for a holiday.
3. She is still getting around by herself (except for driving) and has a sound mind - we can all hope to be doing so well when we're that age.

The Trip Up

Last week was just too busy to get a post in before we left - SORRY!

The trip up to Wisconsin was quite uneventful.

We planned on leaving at midnight Wednesday, but ended up leaving at one. That in and of itself is quite an accomplishment for us. Usually, we set a time to leave for a big trip and end up leaving town well after the set time.

Before children we would go on float trips with a big group of friends. It always involved camping for one or two nights. I am not much of an outdoor girl and would prefer to sleep in a hotel, but my Eagle Scout husband will have none of that. As an Eagle Scout (the highest Boy Scout rank), he is all about being prepared (as per the motto) and in doing everything without modern conveinences while camping. This means we do not use lighter fluid. We make a chiminy do-dad, light paper at the bottom & hope it gets the charcoal hot enough to burn. Honestly, the way he was so anal about making a fire, I'm surprised we were even allowed to use matches. I'm sure if it were totally up to him, we would rub sticks together or if it was sunny, at the very least use someone's glasses to make a flame. There were usually eight to twelve other people there so I think in a survival attempt, he gave into the matches. If he is drastically out numbered it is in his best interest to not hold up the fire for cooking - you don't want an angry mob on your hands.

Camping also means we have to sleep in a tent. For him a tent needs to have enough room to stand up, change clothes, do a jig and have a lounge separate from the sleeping quarters. We used to have the "tajma-tent". It had it's own "living room"! I think it said it slept eight, which means it only sleeps six, and there were only the two of us. For me, he gave in to an air mattress and I no longer had to gather leaves to form pillows - he let me take my own.

Because we usually ended up leaving so late, we were the last ones to the camp site and had to set up our tent in the dark (even though the sun doesn't set until almost ten o'clock). We fought about it every time because (a) I'm bad at setting up tents and (b) I'm crabby because it's late. This tent set up became a source of entertainment for our friends. The would turn their chairs toward us, pass out popcorn & wait for the show to begin.

So anyway, one hour lag was a pretty big deal! The kids slept most of the way. Cupie woke up around 5:30 or 6:00 just as it was starting getting light. She looked out the window and said, "What's all that white stuff?" It was snow!!!! It's not like she's never seen snow before, but in St. Louis, it ususally melts before the end of the day. Snow that lasts more than a day is a novelty. Welcome to the frozen tundra baby!

Silver lining - We still have children after a nine hour car ride (we're not in jail for permanently maiming them either).

Ridin' Along in My Automobile - Part 2

Please read the previous post before continuing: http://lifemakesmelaugh.blogspot.com/2008/11/riden-along-in-my-automobile.html

We worked on our “laptop on a box DVD player” the other day.

First order of business was to find a sturdy box that will fit in the back seat. Now, it’s a pretty roomy back seat, but not any box is going to do. Computer boxes were our best bet for something quite sturdy, but most of them are too big. A computer monitor box is at least 2’X2’.

After taking careful measurements, we decided to cut one of the monitor boxes in half and sandwich the two pieces together to make one skinnier box. Initially, this didn’t work so well. The two halves don’t fit together very smoothly. Duct tape was in order. We needed to tape the two halves together in order to keep it together and the top mostly flat.

You know how tape has a tendency to un-stick itself from cardboard? Well, it does. We solved that problem by wrapping the duct tape all the way around the box – side to side & top to bottom.

We put the box in the back seat. It fit snuggly, thanks to our careful measurements, between the front & back seats.

Snug fit from front to back – check!

There was a problem though. It seems there is a small hump in the middle of the backseat floor. While the box fit pretty well, we needed to make sure it didn’t rock from side to side while on the road.

Second order of business was to stabilize the box. Lop off the bottom & cut a little curve in the bottom. That sounds like a good solution. Back to the car.

Stable from side to side – check!

Time for the laptop. We attached Velcro to the top of the box & the bottom of the laptop. This seemed to work out ok, but now we needed to plug in the laptop. Rob has one of those adaptor boxes with a regular outlet on one end and a thingy to plug into the cigarette lighter.

Power – check!

We put the girls in the back seat and went for a test drive.

Reality – big fat goose egg! There seemed to be some issues.

First, the girls complained that they couldn’t see very well. It was an old laptop so viewing the screen from an angle left much to be desired in the picture quality. There were a whole lot of dark spots.

Secondly, and overall more important, the front passenger seat could not be reclined. It seemed there was an obstacle. Oh, yah, it must be the box because it had to be wide enough to hold a laptop and the space between the two front seats was less than 12”.

I guess this wasn’t such a good plan. Good thing we tested it early. We still have time to order a new DVD system – it should arrive on Monday.

Silver lining:
Dude, do I even need to give you one? In retrospect, the whole idea was not such a good idea.

Ridin' Along In My Automobile

We are driving to Wisconsin to visit my family for Thanksgiving. It is a big to-do because we haven’t made the trek to the frozen tundra since my cousin got married more than three years ago.

Speaking of that wedding, we had one of those handy-dandy portable DVD players which kept Kate occupied. We had to listen to the same Baby Einstein video over and over, but we eventually tuned it out. Kind of like when your spouse is babbling on and on about designing a VPNISPVOIPRAMROMCPU (how do you pronounce that?) compatible computer network, the decision making process in choosing the right fabric for drapes, or fitting FASB amortization tables into the GL matrix.

Something went haywire with the power cord on that DVD player and we called in a warranty claim, got a shipping label & everything. We haven’t gone anywhere for a really long time so I didn’t think about it much until I came across it while unpacking our garage (one year after moving into our new house). It had never been sent in for repairs so it is now useless.

Back to the Thanksgiving trip. We no longer have a video system to entertain the kids on the eight+ hour trip to see my parents. Until, EUREKA, Hubby had an idea!

He has an old laptop with a DVD player in it. Could I sew some kind of bag and harness to hold it between the seats? I couldn’t believe I was actually considering this. I guess I could try to sew something – my specialty is straight lines so it could get interesting. What would we use for the harness part? Maybe elastic? No, too much movement. How about we just tie it up with rope?

Driving down the highway (or at every rest stop), I can only imagine the thoughts of the other travelers around us:

The elite in their limos: Suckers! They have to drive themselves. I think I’ll take a nap now.

The soccer mobile (AKA mini van): Glad I bought this mini van with the DVD player built in. What a bunch of hoosiers.

The couple without kids: We are sooooo buying a vehicle that has the DVD player built in. I don’t want to look like a hoosier driving around town. (Never mind that kids are expensive enough without going out and buying a special vehicle just to feed their need to watch videos 24/7.)

The grandparents: Those poor deprived children, their grandparents should get them one of the car systems for Christmas.

The other families traveling several miles with kids in the car & no DVD player: Damn! That’s a good idea. Wish we had thought of it.

We considered it further. Sewing something wasn’t such a good idea. There were too many complications – how to hold it up, creating a slit for the DVD drive to open, sewing something like corners, etc. We needed a new idea.

There isn’t a hump in the middle of the back seat, maybe we could put the laptop on a box. How would we keep it on the box? Velcro. OK – we have a plan!

Stay tuned to find out how well this plan was executed.

Silver lining: We’ll just see what happens . . .