Wardrobe Malfunction

Have you ever put your underwear on backwards?

Now that's just plain uncomfortable. Although, it could be akin to wearing a thong that's just way to large.

Unless you already wear a thong. Would you even notice?

I'm not a thong wearer so I don't know these things. And trust me, I'm not going out to buy a thong, just to find out if it's uncomfortable when put on backwards. And since I have no thong wearing experience, and I have put up a wall on the possibility of becoming one who wears thongs, I'm not sure I would be a good judge. Either way, correct or backward, a thong is going to be uncomfortable for me.

Speaking of clothing and being uncomfortable, I was at the mall this weekend and saw:

• a man, who had to be at least 70, wearing "skinny" jeans and those black sneakers with the really flat bottoms, a la Jonas Brothers. All he needed was a jacket three sizes too big with his sleeves rolled up a cuff or two and the creep-o-meter would have blown into the ultra-red zone.
  
  Who dressed him, his twelve year old grand daughter?



• a woman with shoulder pads in her suit. Not just shoulder pads, I mean SHOULDER PADS!
  
  Eighties style.
  
  Everything else about her seemed normal, except her head. Without the huge hair (to balance out the SHOULDER PADS), her head looked really tiny - almost shrunken.



• a woman with a belt around her waist.
  
  Her "waist" appeared seven or eight months pregnant.
  
  Having been pregnant myself, I know for a fact that as soon as my belly was large enough for maternity clothes, the belts were relegated to the back of the closet. The last thing I wanted to do was restrict my movement anymore than what that baby was already doing.
  
  I don't care what the fashion of the day is, belts on pregnant women is never going to be part of it. So my guess is that this woman was not pregnant and simply in denial as to where her real waist was.
  
  I'm no fashionista and I'm not skinny, but I know belts do not look good going down around the small of my back and up to the top of my belly just under my boobs.



• a woman in the mall wearing a full length fur coat with a black leather vest over the top of it.
  
  Was it a real fur? Probably not.
  
  I wasn't at the type of mall where women wear such things. What kind of mall would that be? I'm not sure women who wear real fur coats are the mall type at all.
  
  Anywho, I was uncomfortable because I couldn't help staring at her.
  
  It was like a train wreck.
  
  It was like someone wearing a thong swim suit without "landscaping" first. Weird!

Silver Lining:

1. I'm not a thong wearing kind of gal. Otherwise, you might be reading a blog by "Flossy" instead of "Pollyanna".


2. No one busted me for snickering at them. No one except for God of course. Yes, I'm doomed, but sometimes I just can't help being a total catty, snob.

River of a Different Substance

Wow, that was Awkward had a nifty tag thing-a-ma-bob going on and it sounds really fun so I shoe-horned my way into the criteria for participating.

I went to the first folder in my picture files and pulled out the tenth picture.

Now, I have to make a post out of it.

My youngest daughter was only 18 months old, and this was her first "active" summer. The year before she was only a lump that rolled over. I guess that would be considered active, but this year was much more fun.

This was the year she learned how to walk, which turned into running really quickly. Running after a toddler, trying to catch them, but at the same time not running them over is a skill they should teach in those child bearing classes. It would go something like this:

Instructor: Well now, wasn't that an interesting video? Take special note of how the doctor was in charge of "catching" the baby.

Video rewind & pause at that special moment
Instructor: You all have only 12 - 18 months after the birth to perfect your catching skills.

Blank stares & open mouths from all the future mommies & daddies.

Instructor: That thing inside you ladies is going to learn how to walk.

Heads nod very slowly.

Instructor: Well, it's going to learn how to run too. You have to catch the child without running him/her over (they're always politically correct like that).

Light bulbs appear and heads nod vigorously.

Apparently, we did not pay attention in child bearing class, nor did we perfect the skill with our older daughter. To avoid the Get-her! I'm-trying-but-I-might-knock-her-out! exchange, we came up with a plan - put her in overall every chance we get! You don't have to grab the actual child, just the "handles"!

You see she is studying the river of bubbles so contently, but that doesn't mean something in the distance couldn't attract her attention a split second later, and off she'd go. Which is exactly what happened - good thing we were one step ahead!

On a side note, she was only 18 months old so she was eating regular foods (like real people), but was wearing diapers. The messes we had to clean up were so foul, we started calling her stinky handles - stinky butt, handles for the overalls. Eventually this got shortened to "Stinkles".

Silver lining:

1. Anytime you, as a parent, can feel like you've got a leg up on the kids is cause for celebration - bubbly all around (and I don't mean the bubbly you blow through a wand).

2. She doesn't know the origin of her nick-name so she doesn't care that we call her that. We're probably dead-meat when she's a teenager. I figure it's just another tool in the parental arsenal to keep the boys away.

By the way, I like the way Wow picked the people to participate. He did the first five odd numbered comments, I'll do the first five even numbered comments (2, 4, 6, 8, 10). Bring on the comments - can't wait to see your pics!

Goin' to the Courthouse, and We're Gonna Get Married . .

When I was pregnant with my eldest daughter, Cupie, I swelled up like a balloon. I looked more like a bloated sausage than a balloon, but that’s beside the point. I started wearing maternity shirts around four months. My fingers had already started to swell and my wedding ring no longer fit. I was self conscious about the fact that I was obviously pregnant, but now appeared to be unmarried.

I begged until Hubby finally agreed to go to Wal-Mart to buy me some sort of ring. I have a nickel allergy so I couldn't buy just anything; otherwise, I’d be swollen, red & itchy – a real pleasure to be around for sure. We stopped by the “fine” jewelry cases and looked at the plain gold bands. They had real gold bands in all sorts of sizes so I could pick one out right away & wear it as soon as we paid for it.

We had to ask a store clerk to help us because the rings were in a locked case. Of course, she had to stand there & pull out rings as we requested them. Oh, and we noticed later that Rob was not wearing his wedding ring at the time either.

Me: This one fits – it is fifteen dollars.

Hubby: OK, let’s pay and go home.

I shrugged my shoulders and set the ring down.

Hubby: What’s the matter? You seem disappointed.

Me: It would be nice to have something with a little sparkle. There are some nice ones over here.

We moved down a little bit – the clerk moved with us. By this time I had noticed Hubby’s ring was missing. I could totally read the look on the clerk’s face. It was to avoid these looks that I was buying the ring in the first place!!!

Me: This one is nice and it’s only thirty-five dollars.

Hubby: THIRTY-FIVE DOLLARS!?!?!

The only thing that would have made it any worse is if we had blacked out a couple of teeth and stop bathing three days before walking into the store!


Silver lining:
1. I got a sparkly ring and no longer felt self-conscious
2. The second time around, I could care less what people thought. When my ring didn't fit, I didn't wear it. Live & learn.