EN-E-MA

First off, I have to tell you how utterly disappointed I was on my way to Bible study tonight. There is a house under construction that I’ve wanted to get into, but those construction guys got smarter about how they are locking up the houses (click here to read about my B&E adventure). Now I need an actual tool to get in and I keep forgetting to look for one.

Anyway, one of the doors was wide open, but I was running late. I was carrying my coffee cake AND my dinner plate filled with pizza rolls to Bible study – that’s how late I was. So I couldn’t go and properly explore beforehand, and by the time Bible study was over, it was dark. Shaz-bah, better luck next time.

I was not disappointed in our Bible study though. Back when I was a kid, my parents really didn’t talk very frankly to me about the body. This seemed to be the case with most of the other ladies in the group. I said most . . .

Do you remember when you first learned what an enema was? I know it’s a common question and I’m sure you have a story at the ready. Please share it by leaving a comment below.

I really couldn’t tell you about the first time I figured out what it was. I can tell you the first time I had to give someone an enema. My niece was constipated & I had some of those baby enemas. My sister actually administered it. Normally, it takes a little bit for them to go to work and you have a chance to get a diaper on. Not my niece – it was soooooo disgusting. I don’t know how that much poop accumulates in a baby. It was kind of like when you squeeze the play-doh through the snake maker. Yuck!

One of my friends in Bible study remembers her first time quite clearly, and the story demonstrates a dramatic difference in 80’s parenting styles.

As a youngster, my friend, we’ll call her “P”, and her friend “Q” heard the word “enema”, but neither of them knew what it meant. They started tittering about it and finally decided they would each ask their moms, then get back together and compare notes.

This story exemplifies the “lost enema generation.” They had to go to their parents and actually ASK!

Back in the really olden days (40’s & 50’s), everyone over the age of four knew what an enema was. That was a time when mothers were obsessed with your poop. If you didn’t poop for even one day, you got an enema. It was part of the evening bedtime check list:

• Jammies on?
• Brush your teeth?
• Go potty?
• Did you poop today?

If the answer was no, you had go to the clinic (they had special clinics for this) first thing in the morning. Mothers would fret about your lack of poop all evening and into the night. Fathers, on the other hand, saw the clinics for what they were – a profitable business.

“So Bill, what do you do for a living?”

“Well, Bob, I’m an enema administrator.”

“Wow! Now, that’s job security – don’t see you hitting the bread line anytime soon. Every time I drive by, those places are packed. And I don’t mean just the number of people!”

Today, kids would just Google it. Then they would text the definition to all their friends. Phones would be a buzzin’ all over the playground. “OMG! NMA is so NAGI!”

But, as I said, P & Q had to ask their parents a question – OMG, the horror!

Q got the prim and proper answer:

“Well, I asked my mom. She looked a little shocked, and then she smiled and giggled. My dad told her to go ahead and tell me. So she said, ‘Honey (giggle, giggle), let’s sit down a moment. An enema (more giggling and somewhat uncomfortable smirking) is when they insert a tube into your anus and use water to gently flush out any compacted fecal matter.’ What did your mom say?”

P got the straight up version:

“It’s where they squirt water up your ass so you shit.”

After the roar of laughter died down, somehow our fearless leader was able to pull our study group back to God’s word (she's really good at it). The key verse related to our entire study last night was 1 Corinthians 6:19:

"Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God?"

Maybe we all need to keep this verse in mind and get ourselves a mental enema – flush all the shit out so you can take care of the body you have been given & strengthen your relationship with God.



Silver lining:

1. God and enemas – who knew?


2. Things don’t change that much from generation to generation. Moms still obsess over poop; we just don’t go to the same extremes.

What I Learned in Woman's Bible Study

The women’s Bible study group I belong to had taken a break when our leader started a new job. Now that she is settled in and gotten some routines back in order, we started up again on Wednesday. To introduce ourselves to new people and reacquaint ourselves with everyone, we had to share something interesting about ourselves. I learned some really interesting things in those two and a half hours.

1. One of the gals is a volunteer for crisis assistance if someone comes to the hospital and a rape was involved. I salute her for that – I didn’t know there were “regular” people to talk to should, God forbid, you need her. Her scheduled on-call time is Tuesdays from 4pm to 2am. She attends monthly meetings and many of the other volunteers have cases/stories to discuss, but she has never had any cases. So I’ve determined that if I were to take up streetwalking, the perfect time to do it is between 4pm and 2am on Tuesdays in St. Charles. You know, hard economic times lead people to do the strangest things. I’m not sure how many customers I would have – they would probably pay me to keep my clothes on.

2. Angel fish are terrible parents. I completely understand why some animals eat their young – I’m sure every human parent is aware of this, and most (except for the sickos out there) would not do so. But angel fish, oh my! Any change in their environment causes them to eat their babies. Drop food in the tank, they eat the babies. Kids run through the house, they eat the babies. A car door slams outside, they eat the babies. A train whistle blows two counties away, they eat the babies. A butterfly flaps its wings in Africa . . .

3. My husband is an ultra, over-the-top, hardcore conservative. I actually learned this outside the study group – when I got home. Our hostess at the Bible Study was displaying a card with President-elect Barak Obama on the front of it. People out there are putting Obama’s face on everything – even underwear!!! Apparently, she worked the polls on election day and it was from a friend who worked on the campaign. As our hostess’ children are conservative, I assumed she was as well. We all know the expression about assumptions – you can totally tag this one on me. After telling Rob about this card and my surprise to see it, he pointed out that she has always leaned to the liberal side of the spectrum. Then, we discussed the underwear – this is where the ultra, over-the-top, hardcore part comes in. He said he would wear them inside out and try to crap his pants. Good grief! Can you imagine crapping in your pants by accident, let alone on purpose??? GROSS!!!!!! As my mother-in-law says, “You married him. He’s your’s. I don’t want him back.” I guess I have to keep him – despite his gross-ness.


Silver lining:
1. Women’s Bible Study is back on for regular monthly meetings.
2. Even though I don’t attend church with these women, they have accepted me into their group.
3. Because our hostess reads this blog, I’m going to assume at this point that Rob is not getting a Christmas present from his best friend’s mom. I will say, despite this small character flaw :), I still love her.


PS – We all brought cookies and I need a couple of recipes if someone can get them for me – Laura’s Oreo balls & Christina’s spritz cookies. If anyone needs my chocolate cookie recipe, here it is: Buy some refrigerated cookie dough, break it apart, put on a cookie sheet & bake in the oven @ 350 degrees. Complicated, I know.