Random Things Heard at Bunco Last Night

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Smart-a$$ery (It's A Technical Term)

More than 90% of my readers have never met me.

About 10% of them probably wish they never had.

Except my mom. She didn't really get a choice. She had to meet me at least once.

So, since many of you have not met me, you may wonder, "Does she really talk like she writes? Or is she just making this stuff up?"

Well, even if you haven't, I still have proof that I do, in fact, communicate in real life the same way I write.

This is an actual e-mail from me to my friends concerning Bunco tonight:

Ladies,

Once again time has escaped me and Bunco day is almost upon us.

We were scheduled to play at Alexandra's. Unfortunately, my many attempts over the last two months to reach Alexandra have been unanswered so I will be hosting this month. Lest, we show up at Alexandra’s door, find it locked, have to play on the porch in this heat, and end up with the beer getting warm.

My address is 15 Happy Trails. In case you don’t know, I’m the red two story that sits all by itself at the back of the Island District. If you get lost on the way, you can call me at 123-456-7890.

Because Alexandra hasn’t been responsive, I can only assume at this point she does not want to participate in Bunco anymore. To that end, I have asked Lara to replace her as our 12th member. Thankfully, she’s enjoyed herself enough the past few months and said YES! Whew! I was sweatin’ it because I can be pretty gosh darn scary and could have frightened her away.

Anywho, bring your five bucks and beverages to my house around 6:30 this coming Monday (August 23rd). Good grief, I need to figure out what I’m going to feed you people. Hmmm, liver & onions? No? How about my famous made in the oven in my home (thereby constituting homemade) chocolate chip cookies?

Please, please, please let me know if you are not going to make it. If I don’t hear from you, I will hound you all weekend (part of that whole being scary thing) to find out. Don’t make me do that because I’ve got a whole lot of sittin’ on the couch planned and I wouldn’t want to exert too much effort lifting the phone to call you a couple hundred times.

Can’t wait to hear from you!

Yours Truly,
P, The Maven of Madness

On a side note, I better not get any phone calls from those who "got lost" because almost all of them live within two blocks; everyone else is within a quarter mile. And everyone of them have been to my house before. If they want to see scary, they should call me at 6:25 claiming to be lost.

Silver Lining:

1. Everyone got back to me the same day I sent out the e-mail except for one person. I only had to make one phone call, and thankfully, I made it on Friday so there was uninterrupted couch sittin' time this weekend. Well, not really because I had to pick up a bit since I would be "entertaining" on Bunco night. I'm always entertaining, it's just that I don't do it at my house.


2. After 30-some years I've perfected my communication style. I know this because the responses I got were, "I'll be there." or "See you Monday." There wasn't one, NOT ONE, smarta$$ comment. Perhaps they're saving them all for tonight so I have new material for tomorrow.

Semi Charmed Life

Doot, doot, doot. Doot, do-doot, doot. Doot, doot, doot. Doot, do-doot, doot. Doot, doot, doot. Doot, do-doot, doot. Doot, doot, doot.



You just can't help singing it once you hear it. It's one of those songs that sticks in your head all day long. I've heard these are called ear worms, but ick!

Anywho, that song came on last night during Bunco.

As happy a song it is, an argument ensued.

I was singing along, "Doot, doot, doot . . . I love this song. I remember working at Domino's when it came out."

My teammate made fun of me making pizzas.

I didn't make pizza, I was a delivery driver. I was 23 or 24.

You're not that much older than me. I'm 36 (which happens to be my age) and I distinctly remember this song coming out when I was in high school.

Well, I remember sitting in a drive thru with my Domino's uniform on and one of those light up do-dads on my car. (I was probably getting hamburgers plain with salt for my boss at the time. As weird as that is, I still married into his family - the kids might be doomed.)

[With a neck swagger] Maybe that was the first time you heard it . . .

I threw one of my dice at her. It bounced off her glasses. But impressively, she caught it even after drinking half a bottle of spiced rum.

She pitched it back at me. Bounced it off my glasses and I caught it too - with my boobs. It was quite the bank shot. Impressive indeed.

Silver Lining:

1. I'm not a loser as implied. The song came out in 1997. So if what she was saying is true, she was 23 and still in high school. Hmmmmm . . .


2. Nobody's glasses got broken.

How Do You Solve A Problem Like Demi-a?

You ever have one of those days? You know the kind. Nothing seems to go right.

I’m not having one of those days. I’m having a great day. I’ve laughed quite a bit in fact.

It’s my friend Demi who’s having one of those days. And gosh darn it, if it ain’t funny when it’s not you.

Let’s start with this morning.

I was running late so I don’t know if she had had any coffee. We get coffee together every morning and get our gab on before starting the day. But today was not one of those days.

Maybe that's what started the whole thing. She didn’t have any coffee, nor did she get the benefit of getting a preview of future blog posts. She doesn’t actually read my blog because I’ve already told her all the stories over coffee. Although, she could read it once and awhile and voice her opinion.

Let’s get back to her day.

So she comes down to my desk and rests her elbows on the ginormous stack of papers at the end of my desk.

“I have a problem. This spreadsheet worked last week, but now it doesn’t. I swear I’m doing the exact same thing.”

As per our routine, we hippity-hop down to her desk.

“See this number here [points a report on her desk], doesn’t match this number on the spreadsheet.”

I started looking at the reports.

“You ran the wrong report.”

She tried to log in to re-run the report, but clicked on the wrong website in her favorites.

Once we got to the right website, she clicked on the wrong button to run the report.



“What’s with you and the clicking? Or should I say mis-clicking?” I’m snickering at her expense, but at least she was snickering at herself.

Isn’t snicker a funny word? Seriously, where did this come from?

Were the people who invented the Snickers bar laughing when they came up with nougat, caramel, peanuts & chocolate? Nougat is a funny word too; maybe that’s what started the whole thing.

Fast forward to lunch time.

We head over to the Jack In The Box for our two free tacos (free taco Tuesday). That’s another post, for another time.

After a somewhat uneventful lunch, we’re heading over to the grocery store for a few things. I’m reading her my notes for yet another post (like I said we didn’t have the morning coffee – I gotta get her up to speed sometime), yet I’m the one who noticed she was about to pull out in front of another car.

Technically, she was making an illegal turn, but she blamed the other guy anyway. There was a median in front of us so she was going to make a quick left (against traffic) to jaunt around it so we could get to the grocery store. The guy hesitated for like an eighth of a second so she took that as the signal for her to go ahead with her illegal jaunt.

Fast forward to after the grocery store.

This time she almost backed into another car that was also backing up. That chick had the gall (another great word) to honk at us! She’s the one who floored it when backing out of her parking space.


Then, a guy almost t-boned us. Totally would have been his fault – he was the one entering our lane of traffic.

I’m now sitting white knuckled in the passenger seat.

“Demi! You can’t click on the right things this morning. Now, you almost got into three accidents. What is the deal?”

“Oh, I wasn’t worried about that last guy. He was on your side.”

OK – I totally deserved that. I’d been giving her all kinds crap all day. And I hadn’t brought up the issue she had with her cell phone not working yet – turns out it had been turned off. Seems that in turning your phone off, it doesn’t ring nor can you make any calls with it – weird, huh?

We rode along for a little bit, chit chatting. Despite the driving issues, I stayed in the car with her because hitch-hiking would have been more dangerous. At least if we got in an accident, my body would be found right away instead of rotting in a ditch for weeks after the hitch-hiker killed me. My family would have closure sooner. I’m a thinker, aren’t I?

Suddenly, Demi turned toward me. I thought, “Dude, keep your eyes on the road!”

“I know what my problem is! I can’t hear anything!”

WHAT?

What does hearing have to do with clicking the right button on the computer or not running into any cars?

“No, Demi. I think the issue today is just the your aura. But just to be safe, should we get you one of those ear horns?”

Silver Lining:

1. She has a good sense of humor and was laughing with me the entire time I was teasing her.


2. I found an ear horn/trumpet on Ebay for only $545.00 (or you could buy it now for $580.00).

I Like to Talk . . .

If you've ever met me, or read enough of this blog, you know, I have a lot to say! I don't think I ever really admitted it until recently. Admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery. Unless, you want to stop reading this blog, you should hope I never make it past step one. I digress, but to make my point . . .

I love my friend Demi, but DUDE, she is a slow eater. I know you should slow down and enjoy your food. Honestly, this is just the way Demi is - she is always the last one to finish a meal.

We went out to lunch at Dave & Busters recently. I don't know what we ordered and it doesn't matter. I finished my meal long before Demi. I was chatting away as she was eating and at one point, she stopped and asked me, "Do you mind if I keep eating?"

I said, "Of course not! You eat, I get to talk!"

Silver lining:
I have a dear & cherished friend in Demi. There is no need to look for a silver lining when you have friends like her.

Have You Ever Laughed So Hard You Hurt Yourself?

Two things upfront:
1. I warned her
2. We are white and live in the suburbs

OK. So, I was telling folks about my new blog. Of course, I was sending out e-mails because nobody uses the phone any more for this stuff. It would be way too hard for anyone to remember www.herfun.blogspot.com if it were relayed using your voice. E-mail gives everyone a chance to immediately click on the link and check it out. I'm pretty sure you can click on the little "Subscribe Post Atom" thing at the bottom to set up some kind of e-mail notification when I post something new. But, I digress.

Back to telling people about my blog. My best friend, Roxie, sends me back a quick note, which turned into a string. Well, this is how it went (I've put the exchange in the proper order):

From: LI
Sent: Thursday, September 04, 2008 3:04 PM
To: A bunch of people
Subject: Re: Bloggin'

Hey all!

I've decided the events of my life are pretty gosh darn funny so I've started a blog.
I've only got one post, but I plan on doing two or three a week.
For my funny life go to www.herfun.blogspot.com

L.


From: Barbie
Sent: Thursday, September 04, 2008 3:09 PM
To: LI
Subject: Re: Bloggin'

Dude, you seriously have far too much free time.


From: LI
Sent: Thursday, September 04, 2008 3:12 PM
To: Barbie
Subject: Re: Bloggin'

Dude - don't be dissin'
You might be the next subject :)


From: Barbie
Sent: Thursday, September 04, 2008 3:48 PM
To: LI
Subject: Re: Bloggin'

Lissn' up homegirl..I didn't sign no release form givin' you permission to use my bidness up in here.


From: LI
Sent: Thursday, September 04, 2008 3:48 PM
To: Barbie
Subject: Re: Bloggin'

Did you get your head going side to side & snap your fingers while writing that?



From: Barbie
Sent: Thursday, September 04, 2008 3:51 PM
To: LI
Subject: Re: Bloggin'

girl...ya know it. I did the head bob and followed it with an "mmmm hmmmm"

The string continues on, but we've both gone back into the white, suburbanites we are - not as funny. The funny part is that at this point, I'm laughing so hard, I nearly had tears rolling down my face and started to slap my hand on the desk. Did I mention there is a spiral bound notebook nearby? Yah, I totally scratched the edge of my hand on the end of the spiral - OW! The scratch is right at my knuckle and it's pretty tender, but it was totally worth it! How often do you and a good friend have such a minimal amount of communication, but it ends up being the highlight of your day?

Silver lining:
1. Duh, a few minutes of a dull workday were filled with laughter.
2. I kept my word & made her the subject of my next post.