The Narrow Escape

My sister, Sissy(ingenious, I know), is guest posting today. She sent me this little story after returning from a trip to "The Great White North" (aka Wisconsin - I know it's August, but come on, it's Wisconsin, I think they've gotten their first frost already).


In Sissy's words:

Ok, so you know how you tell your kids things that they shouldn’t do and why they shouldn’t do them? Well, I am that kind of mom that speaks the right path, but doesn’t necessarily follow it!

Mimi (four years old) knows about cigarettes. However, I always tell her they are yucky and bad for you. She asks “Why?”

So I tell her cigarettes give you bad stinky breath, stinky cloths, wrinkles and worse, that you can DIE from them.

Granted, I do occasionally smoke however, I NEVER let my kids see me. I usually smoke when I’m out drinking. It just goes with the alcohol, why is that??

So I go on a trip to visit my family. I make sure I bring cigarettes for I know I will be drinking WINE - a few bottles of wine. You know at family gatherings you need alcohol to tolerate it all.

Anyways, the weekend goes by, I had a few smokes, and without thinking, put them in my purse and back home we go.

We get home, unload the car, and unwind from the 8-hour drive. Later that evening, I went to change purses, for the next day I had to return to work. Heaven forbid, I carry around my weekend, PINK summer bag which doesn’t make my work attire.

I place the cigarettes on the table. No need to transfer them to my work purse. The long weekend is over and there is no WINE in the house for me to enjoy.

A few hours later, Mimi comes running into the living room.

”Why do you have CIGARETTES!!”

Like a deer caught in headlights, I just looked at her, my stomach dropped to the floor. My mind is racing “Oh no, what do I say? What do I tell her?”

So I play dumb.

“What, what are you talking about, where are there cigarettes?”

She goes running back into the kitchen and brings them back to me.

One hand on her hip, the other shaking the package of cigarettes around, saying “These cigarettes MOM. Why do you have these? These things are YUCKY!”

Quick on my feet, I play the blame game. “Those must be Great Aunt DeeDee’s. Remember, she was smoking outside during our visit, maybe they got placed in mommy’s purse by accident.”

I continued, “You know mommy and daddy don’t smoke, cigarettes are bad for your health silly.”

Then Mimi is like “Ya, I know, but now we need to drive back up north and give them back.”

I simply said, “Mommy will mail them to her, would that be OK?”

Mimi thought that was a good idea.

WWOOO, that was a narrow escape, mommy got away with that!


Silver lining:

1. Even grownups still lie like little kids, we've just got more practice. Mental note: HIDE what every you don’t want your kids to see.

2. Kids are gullible and believe Mommy & Daddy know everything. All this will come to a screeching halt by the time they've reached six or seven, but we can live in bliss until then, right?

What's With This Heat?

The weather here has turned from rainy & dreary to hot & steamy. The heat index is supposed to be something like 105 – 110 today!!! I’m sure that’s with 100% humidity. I hate it when I walk out of a nice cool building into the blistering heat with a humidity level that makes me feel like I’m drowning.

This kind of heat makes you do things you wouldn’t normally do. Last night, I was playing Bunco (that’s normal, not a heat induced thing) and heard the wildest story. . .

It was a hot and steamy Sunday morning so the town folk headed over to the church – not because it was hot & steamy, but because it was Sunday. The ladies fanned themselves with their bulletins, the preacher approached lectern quickly (so as to create a breeze within the robe), the men aired their pits by splaying their arms across the backs of the pews, and the children just sat there (it was way too hot to cause any kind of disturbance).

One woman took the hot and steamy thing to a whole new level. All this was actually getting her hot and bothered. And she was going to do something about it.

From the back of the church, this woman started crab crawling across the tops of the pews. Polite as could be, she even said “Excuse me,” as she climbed to the front of the church. By now, everything had stopped and everyone was staring (don’t lie, you would be too).

At the front of the church, the preacher, calm as can be, approached her to see if he could help her with something. To which, she propositioned him. When the preacher turned her down in front of everyone, did she walk away with her head down in shame? I would if I were turned down flat in front of everyone I knew. Nooooo, she proceeded to strip off her clothing in an effort to change his mind!

The authorities were called and she was hauled off to the looney bin.

As I relayed this all to my husband, he just sat there playing on his computer. I wasn’t sure he had heard the story until the end when he asked, “So what church was this at? I’d consider changing religions.”

I wonder if he wants to become a preacher too.

Silver Lining:
1. The woman has been taken somewhere to get the help she needs, be it medication, or a cold shower.
2. It wasn’t me! While I may belong in a looney bin, I don't need to strip off all my clothing for that to become blatently obvious. Besides, NO ONE wants to see me hot, bothered & naked!

Fit & Active?

Let’s just say I am neither fit nor active by any stretch of the imagination.

However, I rode my bike twice this weekend (once to the farm, once to get an ice cream cone), but now I have bike-butt. Maybe staying inactive was a better choice.

Anywho, despite my general inactive state, I decided to try the “Fit & Active Pepperoni Pizza Pockets”.

Let’s just say, I found out where the “active” part of the name comes from.

The ends of the pocket were hermetically sealed. I was using my handy-dandy plastic knife to cut into it, but I needed something more like a hacksaw. My arm was quite active.

On the first end, I managed to hack my way in. The middle was really good; although, I should have read the package more – it had provolone cheese in it. I don’t like provolone because it sticks to your teeth – yek!

When I got to the other end (yes, I was eating the ends because I was really, really, really hungry), I again attempted to hack my way through. My knife was dull from the cutting of the first end, but I discovered I didn’t have to cut all the way through. All you really had to do was score it, and it would snap off – similar to when you’re trimming a piece of glass or drywall.

Drywall, can you say yummy?

Silver lining:

1. I had some Strawberry Sugar Wafers as a chaser – now that’s yummy!

2. While I was buying the Fit & Active pockets, I managed to buy enough groceries to make three or four dinners - we had eggs & toast for dinner last night because it was the only thing left in the fridge/cupboards (we were even out of cereal).

Oh, The Irony

I was really in the mood for something salty. Not just in the mood, I was craving something salty. I grabbed a dollar out of my desk drawer and made a bee-line for the break room

Once I got there, I had to make a few decisions.

First off, how much salt did I “need”?

Pretzels or Potato Chips? Both very salty, but chips just sounded better.

There was more than one type of chip. I rolled my eyes and once again had to make a decision.

Baked Lays or Regular? Baked Lays were healthier, the even had the check mark indicating the lower fat grams – ooooo, I bet that influences a lot of people. There are other things in the machine with check marks next to their prices, but I don’t care. I want what I want and no check mark is going to influence me to get to choose animal crackers over mini sandwich cremes.

I really should have been responsible and gotten the baked chips, but my fingers were possessed. They punched in the number for the regular chips completely over-riding my brain. Kind of like men – they often let body parts have more control than their brains.

Go back to my desk or sit in the break room? There were a couple magazines sitting on one of the tables. I thought to myself, “You know what? I don’t take breaks and sometime work at my desk while eating my lunch. I’m going to sit down, read a magazine & enjoy my chips.” There was even a little high-pitched “hmh” and an indignant head nod at the end.

I sat down, opened my chips and savored that first one. I enjoyed reading a couple of short articles before I had to tip the bag and shake the last few crumbs in my mouth – you can’t let a good thing go to waste. I got up to throw away the bag and head back to my desk. I closed the magazine and started to put it back on the stack.

My mouth dropped open as I did this. The name of the magazine:

WEIGHT WATCHERS MAGAZINE

Niiiice, eat your salty, greasy, fat-laden chips while reading a diet magazine. It’s like ordering a diet coke to go with your Big Mac & fries.

Silver Lining:

1. No one was in the break room so they didn’t see me reading the WW Mag while eating those chips.


2. No one was in the break room to see the final crumb fall into my mouth – it’s not very lady like and a little on the unprofessional side.


3. I totally enjoyed those chips!

The Restroom Evolution

That’s right, there has been an evolution of sorts going on with the restrooms here at the office. It’s been pretty slow, like over the last year or so. The other day, the newest characteristic was the icing on the cake and I can’t keep my thoughts to myself any longer.

The first, was the addition of one of those paper towel dispensers that you wave your hand in front of and an allotment of paper whirs out. I can’t figure out why this one is necessary.

It can’t be sanitary issues as there was already a paper towel dispenser that has those individual z-fold papers in it. They didn’t take it out. Besides, the new dispenser has a sensor that is so insensitive, you practically have to touch it to get it to spit out a paper towel. Now, how can that be more sanitary than the original 1970’s version. Actually, why does even matter how you get the paper towels out of a dispenser? The people touching it, just washed their hands, right??

Also, the new, automatic dispenser is so high on the wall, you have to reach up to wave at the sensor. This causes water to run down your arm and in your sleeves.

Around the same time, sanitary gel dispensers were added just outside the restrooms. Didn’t you just wash your hands???

The next round in the evolution was the addition of signage to the outside of the doors.

For Privacy Reasons,
Please Refrain from Using
Phones in the Restroom

Really??? Is there anyone who doesn’t know that everyone outside the restroom can hear every noise in the restroom?? That includes that fart you went to the restroom to “discretely” let go.

I work in an office of professionals and access is restricted to employees, contractors & temporary workers. How immature to they think we are? I honestly don’t think anyone here is going to go into the restroom with their cell phones with the intention of taking pictures over the stalls. Even if there are creepy contractors, I don’t see women contractors doing this. The restroom doesn’t have a gender check so the mere presence of a male in the woman’s restroom would cause enough ruckus – with or without a phone.

The newest restroom characteristic comes in the form of a SHARPS box. Any they advocating shooting up at work? I suppose this is to ensure you’re being safe with your needles. You wouldn’t want someone else gets a disease by sticking themselves with a used needle when they reach waaaaaay down in the trashcan.

While were on the subject of restrooms, can I jump off my topic for a moment (not that you can do anything about it, but I thought I’d be nice and ask)?

Isn’t there an unwritten rule about using the stall next to someone? Unless it is absolutely necessary, aren’t you supposed to have an empty stall between two users?

For example, if there are three stalls and they are all empty, you should choose the one of the end stalls. That way there the other end stall is available for another person; thus, leaving an empty stall in between. I can see your heads nodding – I knew I was right on this one!

Why, when I’m in a five staller (all empty upon entering) and I’m in the middle one, would some one choose the stall right next to me??? I clearly followed the rules and left at least two available, more desirable stalls – what gives??

Anyway, back to the original topic for the silver lining.

Silver Lining:
1. Obviously, work safety is a positive priority. I’m glad I work for a company that promotes this and takes it seriously.
2. I don’t have to worry about someone in Hong Kong hearing me pee via cell phone.
3. I don’t have to worry about someone taking my picture while in a compromised position.
4. I’m not going to get any germs from the paper towel dispensers (unless someone at the paper towel factory sneezed on them during the rolling process).
5. In the highly unlikely even I get hooked on drugs so I can fry my brains like eggs, I know I can safely dispose of my needles at work.


PS – Before you get all up in arms, I’m sure the SHARPS box is there for a legitimate medical reason. But that’s not something that makes me laugh . . .

Burn, Burn, Burn

Just when you think you know it all, you learn something new. Did you know there are instructions on the side of the Arm & Hammer baking soda box for making a fizzy “drink” to relieve heartburn? Well, there is. I’ve pretty much only used baking soda to bake, clear a stopped up drain and make corks pop off test tubes.

These are the things you learn from a friend who has more life experience than you. And more guts!

At a recent lunch, my friend was relaying her weekend experience with heartburn. Her problem was getting the gas out. The last (and only) time I had it, I kept belching up the gas – that was disgusting! I think I’d rather deal with her problem.

She had made a chuck roast for dinner and her & her husband ate somewhat late. A few hours later, the heartburn started, and she couldn’t get a belch to come up (guys don’t have this problem; they are taught the “art” of belching on command in elementary school). When she couldn’t stand it any more, it was time to look some for relief.

To the medicine cabinet! There were no Tums, no Alka Seltzer, no Rolaids, no Pepto.

To the kitchen! Ah, ha! Here, we had some options.

The first option was a bottle of white soda still sitting around from Christmas. However, it may or may not be fizzy.

The second option was the huge box of Arm & Hammer baking soda near the stove. According to my friend, she keeps it close to the stove so it is handy for cooking and in case of a fire. The box was almost empty (she must have a lot of fires), but she checked the side of the box to see how much baking soda to use in water to make a carbonated drink. In reviewing the side of the box, she noted there were precautions regarding the interaction between the baking soda and certain types of medications. It didn’t list any medications, and it was too late to call her doctor to find out.

She looked at the bottle of white soda again.

Then, she went to the refrigerator to see if there was anything all the way in the back. I’m sure there was lots of stuff in the back. There’s plenty of green stuff in mine that would make you feel worse than the heartburn. But, hey, you wouldn’t be worried about the heartburn any more. There still wasn’t anything that would work in the fridge.

How about the pantry? Nope, nothing there.

Back to the baking soda. She must really hate white soda for the baking soda option to look more appealing. She looked at the box again and thought the likelihood of there being an interaction between the baking soda and the medications she was taking were pretty slim. However, now she made a new observation. The expiration date on the box was well past – like, two years past. Making a baking soda & water drink was no longer an option – never mind that she’s been using that same baking soda in recipes and feeding it to her family.

The only thing left was the white soda. She shook the bottle (yah, wise idea when you might need to open it in a second) and fizz appeared. Relief at last! She would have been back to bed so much sooner had she done this first. I guess this revelation is just one more of those life experiences she can pass on to us younger folk.


Silver lining:

1. Home remedies are almost always cheaper than store bought meds. I wonder if this would work with Crystal Light. I’ve heard it counts as intake of water.

2. Try the simplest solution first – shake the bottle (gently). Fizz = good, no fizz = not so good.