Showing posts with label Duh. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Duh. Show all posts

Friday, March 25, 2011

Wrong Number Gone Right

Has this ever happened to you?

You show up at an appointment with an acquaintance and she's not there. After a bit, it becomes apparent that she's not just running late.

So you're going to give her a call. Her number is in your planner, but since you used your cell phone to confirm the appointment earlier in the day, you're just going to choose her number from your call history.

She's more of an acquaintance so you don't have her name stored in your contacts list, but there's the number without a name attached to it.

You hit, "Call".

Ring-ring.

Ring-ring.

Hello?

Hey, it's Polly. Where are you?
(very friendly and sing-songy and such)

I'm at home now and I really need some of that lotion.


Dead silence on my end.

I can swing by your place on Saturday and pick it up if that's ok with you.

You're racking my brain trying to figure out what is going on! Still not having a clue, you hear yourself saying, "Saturday? Sure, what time?"

I have this and that at noon, but then I've got blah, blah, blah. OMG! Got it! A customer you called three days ago when she happened to be at work and couldn't talk. Must have called you back when you were away from the phone. So how about 11:30?

Yes, yes, yes! [A la When Harry Met Sally] 11:30 is great! I'll have that lotion waiting for you!

You hang up, actually look at the call history, and call the right number.

Silver Lining:

  1. I managed to reschedule the original appointment for Saturday at my house.

  2. My customer had no idea I wasn't intending on calling her even though I asked where she was. Normally, that would sound like a really out of the norm question, but since I had caught her at work the last time I called, it sounded like I was really being super courteous even though I was actually being a bumbling idiot.

  3. I got a sale and she's willing to come to me to get it. Bonus!


Photobucket

Friday, June 11, 2010

News

In my mind, "News" means that something is basically NEW information. Information that isn't necessarily common knowledge.

Based on my "official" source (dictionary.com), I'd say I'm right on track with this definition.

news   /nuz, nyuz/ –noun ( usually used with a singular verb )
  1. a report of a recent event; intelligence; information.

  2. the presentation of a report on recent or new events in a newspaper or other periodical or on radio or television.

  3. such reports taken collectively; information reported.

  4. a person, thing, or event considered as a choice subject for journalistic treatment; newsworthy material. Compare copy ( def. 5 ).

  5. newspaper.

  6. newscast.


So I'd like to know who thought it was newsworthy to report this:


Really?

Voters Unhappy?

Only the people living under a rock are going to say, "Holy Cr@p! I'm going into shock! How can this be?"

Voters have been unhappy for well over a year now. This is in no way, shape or form NEWS!

Silver Lining:
  1. You all should be pleased this is as far as Pollyanna is willing to step into politics. I'd have to put on my witch Halloween costume year round otherwise.

  2. I haven't been living under a rock (or a cave) and I occassionally take off the rose colored glasses so I didn't die of a heart attack when I read that headline. You all will be graced with my pressence and or oddball stories for awhile longer :)

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Snow Days, Snow Days, Boots & Shov'ling Blows Days

We had a wee bit of snow last week. And it got a little chilly.

Actually, it was more than a wee bit - it was about four inches by our house.

Yes, that’s more than a wee bit for these parts! I don’t want to hear about the four feet of snow you folks up north received. That’s normal for you. For some of you, that well below normal, but I don’t want to get into that right now. I want to talk about my four inches.

Anywho, four inches – at one time – is more than a wee bit for us.

Also, under normal conditions, the snow melts away by the next afternoon. But as I said, it got a little chilly.

As in bone-cold chilly.

As in, when the temperature rises to 17 degrees, you think to yourself, “Huh, it’s kind of nice out.”

As in your boogers momentarily froze your nostrils closed if you tried to suck up the snot that was streaming down your face while you shoveled the sidewalk.

Sorry, that was a little graphic, but dang it, it was cold!

They had to close school because of negative wind-chill temperatures.

The girls were excited because they got to wear the snow boots I bought them this year.

I’ve never bought my kids snow boots before – we really don’t need them. Like I said, the snow usually melts the next day. Even though, aside from being pink, they are ugly, Wal-Mart had snow boots on sale for only $8 so I went ahead and gave in to the begging and pleading.

With their snow boots on, they made tracks everywhere on their way to the car. Never mind that there is only about 15 feet to cover from the front door to the car, I think they made 15 miles of foot prints. I figure I got at least $8 worth of wear out of those boots in just this one wearing.

By the time I rounded up their wild snow trodden feet and wrangled them to car, I had determined that snow s*cks. I come to this conclusion every year, but I usually forget as soon as Easter arrives and the possibility of snow falling has long passed. But this year, that conclusion may stick with me a little while longer.

Why? You ask.

Let me tell you why.

Because I got stuck in a ditch, that’s why.

It was one of those moments. I took my foot off the gas to slow down as I approached a stop sign. I wasn’t going very fast to begin with. When I wasn’t slowing down fast enough, I stepped on the brake. Anti-lock brakes kicked in right away, and the forward motion slowed down.

Unfortunately, the forward motion somehow transferred to a sideways motion. And there was no stopping it.

I swear it was like a movie happening in slow motion. There was nothing I could do except pray that I didn’t hit anything. I somehow missed the electric poles, stop sign, and other misc. signage, cables on the side of the road.

Whew!

I was less than a half mile from my house. In fact, I could still see my house from the ditch. But I couldn’t just walk home.

  • I didn’t have snow boots of my own.

  • The girls were with me in the car. Even with snow boots, I was not going to have them walking on an ice covered road with essentially no shoulder.

  • And it was booger-freezing cold out.

I called Hubby and he was going to come rescue us, but first he had to dig his car out and defrost the windows.


So we sat.

And we sat.

So many nice people stopped to make sure we were ok, had a cell phone, had help coming, etc. A guy in a pick-up with the salt thing-ies on the back and a plow in front stopped to see if we were ok. I was hoping he had a chain or rope to pull us out. He didn’t, but he did offer to give us a push. Another guy in a pick-up pulled up around the same time and helped as well.

They pushed on the front of the car.

I hit the gas.

The wheels just spun. Or they did nothing. I don’t really know because I wasn’t out there. The electronic stability control light kept blinking and one of the guys kept telling me to hit the gas. So I’m guessing the wheels didn’t spin at all – the car just sent zero power to them because it sensed there was no traction.

They pushed on the back of the car.

I hit the gas.

The wheels were spinning or doing nothing again.

That stupid light was blinking at me some more.

Hey, there is a button that says “ESC on/off”.

I pushed it and I took off like a rocket! Who knew I had a rocket booster right there in my little Kia?

Perhaps if I’d hit it earlier, I could have gotten myself out of the ditch.

Oh well, lesson learned.

Silver Lining:
  1. There were several people who stopped and/or slowed down to make sure we were ok. I don’t think there was a single vehicle that just passed us by without concern.

  2. Once we got out of the ditch, we were out on main roads and the snow was generally non-problematic.

  3. It’s finally “warming” up here. Most of the snow should melt by the end of the day as long as the sun stays out. All that will be left are those big piles in parking lots and at street corners. Perhaps I’ll send the girls out in their snow boots to kick them down so they melt faster. How much do you think I could charge for this service? Oh wait, I might run into child labor law issues. Nevermind, we’ll all just have to look at the nasty, dirty gray-colored piles for an extra couple of weeks or so.

Monday, August 10, 2009

Say What?

The grocery store. The first place you think of for an earful of entertainment, right?

Probably not, but you should. You don't have to stand still long to overhear some unusual conversations. Next time you're at the store, pretend to be comparing two brands of tofu and you might overhear this:

(Woman, with two shopping carts and three kids, on the phone)

Hey, girl! So they've got Creamy JIF, Crunchy JIF, Skippy, Peter Pan, generic, and some all natural stuff. If he's allergic to peanuts, what kind of peanut butter can he have?

Say What?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Try not to fall to the floor laughing at this! You might crack your skull on the hard cement floor. If you crack your skull open, your brains will fall out (I actually tell my kids this). Then, you'll ask stupid questions like this woman all the time.

Not surprisingly, this same woman was overheard in the check out line displaying an equally amazing level of brain power.

Let me set the scene:

Two carts of groceries (including several cases of soda) have been unloaded and rung up. There are three smallish children and a guy standing around waiting for Peanut Butter Ding-bat Lady (PBDB for short).

According to the cashier, the total is $437. PBDB runs her food stamps card. There's only $400 on the card so she is left with a balance of $37.

The guy suggests she use her child support card. Didn't know they had cards for this now, but I guess it makes sense. That way you can make sure you use the child support money the way you're supposed to - ON THE CHILDREN - right?

Nooooo, no, no, no, no, no. Duh, that would be to obvious.

PBDB: I can't use that. That's just my beer & cigarette money.

Say What?!?!?!?!?!?!?

But wait, it gets better!

The guy ponies up the $37.

As a thank you, PBDB says: Next time we're at the store, I'll buy you a couple of extra cases of beer to make up for this.

Say What?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Since the child support card is her ciggies & beer money, how is it any different? Either she uses it now to buy the groceries or she uses it later to buy his beer.

Silver Lining:

1. I don't really know because I don't think there have been any studies on this yet, but I hope she represents a small number of food stamps and child support recipients. There are several stereotypes out there, and PBDB just enforces the bad ones.

2. While my children may go to therapy when they are older and discuss at length the many ways I screwed them up, I know in my heart of hearts I did my best. I don't think PBDB could say the same.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Do the Marketing People Laugh to Themselves When They Come Up With This Stuff?

So, I was at Target the other night because I needed to pick up a couple of prescriptions. Hubby was kind enough to keep the kids at home so I just had to walk the aisles – I couldn’t help myself. Sad, that I see going to Target without kids as an escape, a luxury, if you will.

Once I got home and unloaded my purchases, I observed the following oddball information on the product tags:


  • I got an awesome insulated bag. It’s just the right size to lay at least six bottles of beer on their side & zip it up. This is important because we live in a community where people regularly carouse the streets & impromptu gatherings occur. You need the bag just in case. Of course it would be better if I could find one where the bottles (we don’t do cans, we’re bottle snobs) stood upright, but this will do.

    Here’s the tag on the outside of the bag. I didn’t actually read the tag at the store. I saw the size & that it was insulated. I didn’t care what it was intended for.



    Since I already had beer on my mind, I thought the fact that I could have a lunch of eight beers was very intriguing. Really, how many times have you thought, “I need a drink” at lunch time? While eight beers might be excessive for one (depends on how badly the day was going), you could find some other poor soul & share.


  • Still on the bag. Check out the tag on the inside.



    California Innovations, based in Toronto Canada, but made in China. I just found this to be quite humorous. I wonder what the guy developing the tag thought.

    Hmmm, I’m representing three countries on this tag. I wonder how many more I can get. [imagine phone dialing] Hey, Tom, are you sure this 8 Can Lunch Bag was exclusively made in China? Were there any other countries involved? Did it stop in Australia when it was shipped over here? [pause] It has an Arctic Zone tag on it. How about the Arctic, did it go there at all? [more pausing] OK, thanks (in a deflated tone). [phone hangs up] Darn it, I’ll just have to leave all this extra white space. Would have been cool to include Australia.


  • Then, there was the toilet bowl cleaner.



    Huh? Kills the flu virus?

    I’m sorry, I never thought about catching the flu from a toilet bowl. Does the flu virus travel via human waste? I’m not touching, let alone drinking toilet water so why should this be of importance? I guess if you flush while still sitting, some vapor water could splash up onto your butt. Does the flu some how work its way in from there? After you flush, are you rubbing your butt? Aren’t you washing your hands?

    I think “Kills the flu virus” is a stupid claim.


  • Finally, I went to McDonald’s before shopping.



    Iced Mocha – served hot or cold. Wouldn’t it just be a mocha if it were served hot? Enough said.
Silver Lining:

  1. Shopping alone – definitely nice.

  2. Along with all the other stuff I bought, I managed to remember the original purpose of the trip (prescriptions). I hate it when I leave a store, get half way home, & then remember that I was supposed to get X, which is why I made the trek out of “the compound” – Pleasantville has almost everything you need on a given day including entertainment so you generally don’t have to leave except for that whole work thing and the occasional trip to Target.

  3. I’m not going to get the flu from my toilet anytime soon.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

One Cool Taco!

My company is celebrating their 300th customer! To celebrate, they had the icecream truck stop by and give us all a free icecream.


I usually go for a fudgecicle, but today the Choco Taco screamed, "PICK ME!"

Not wanting to disappoint, I got a Choco Taco.

As I was riding the elevator to the third floor (didn't want to ruin the yummy-goodness-soooo-not-on-the-diet moment by taking the stairs), I inspected the packaging.

This is what I saw (pay attention to the two circled items on the right):


Glad they cleared that right up!


Silver Lining:

1. It was free!

2. It was good!

3. It was free!

Friday, May 1, 2009

Oh, The Irony

I was really in the mood for something salty. Not just in the mood, I was craving something salty. I grabbed a dollar out of my desk drawer and made a bee-line for the break room

Once I got there, I had to make a few decisions.

First off, how much salt did I “need”?

Pretzels or Potato Chips? Both very salty, but chips just sounded better.

There was more than one type of chip. I rolled my eyes and once again had to make a decision.

Baked Lays or Regular? Baked Lays were healthier, the even had the check mark indicating the lower fat grams – ooooo, I bet that influences a lot of people. There are other things in the machine with check marks next to their prices, but I don’t care. I want what I want and no check mark is going to influence me to get to choose animal crackers over mini sandwich cremes.

I really should have been responsible and gotten the baked chips, but my fingers were possessed. They punched in the number for the regular chips completely over-riding my brain. Kind of like men – they often let body parts have more control than their brains.

Go back to my desk or sit in the break room? There were a couple magazines sitting on one of the tables. I thought to myself, “You know what? I don’t take breaks and sometime work at my desk while eating my lunch. I’m going to sit down, read a magazine & enjoy my chips.” There was even a little high-pitched “hmh” and an indignant head nod at the end.

I sat down, opened my chips and savored that first one. I enjoyed reading a couple of short articles before I had to tip the bag and shake the last few crumbs in my mouth – you can’t let a good thing go to waste. I got up to throw away the bag and head back to my desk. I closed the magazine and started to put it back on the stack.

My mouth dropped open as I did this. The name of the magazine:

WEIGHT WATCHERS MAGAZINE


Niiiice, eat your salty, greasy, fat-laden chips while reading a diet magazine. It’s like ordering a diet coke to go with your Big Mac & fries.

Silver Lining:
  1. No one was in the break room so they didn’t see me reading the WW Mag while eating those chips.

  2. No one was in the break room to see the final crumb fall into my mouth – it’s not very lady like and a little on the unprofessional side.

  3. I totally enjoyed those chips!

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Redemption

I normall do not just cut & paste funny stuff, but this was just too good to keep to myself.


Keep in mind, this is not about blondes nor is it about women.


These contractors are installing the steel pillars in concrete to stop vehicles from parking on the pavement outside a Sports Bar downtown. They are now in the process of cleaning up at the end of the day and anxious to go home.



How long do you think it will be before they realize where they parked?
Silver Lining:
1. Girls rule, boys drool! Redemption is ours ladies!
2. The "rescue" is bound to make it to the news and these guys have to explain their dumbass-ness to their wives.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Kindergarten

At some point in your child’s life, you have to let go. For many of us, the first big step is when your child enters kindergarten.

Now, I’m not going to kid you. I’m going to go home and bawl like a baby after my baby gets on the school bus that first day – heck, I’m tearing up right now thinking about it. But I know I have to do it and I’m proud to say, so far Hubby & I have raised an independent, confident daughter.

What I don’t get are these parents who just don’t seem to get the fact that they are going to have to let go and at five, their child is ready to shed the parental coddling.

We went to a “Kindergarten Readiness” meeting last night. I have got to say, I don’t want to hang out with some of these parents. I'm referring to the type who:

  • Run to their kids every time they play on the playground
  • Volunteer to be a parent assistant at every activity their child is participating in (just to be sure Johnny is getting superior attention and to be there for peace of mind)
  • Helps to the point of taking over when ever their child is trying something new

I'm for parental involvement in their child's school and taking active interest in how their child is doing. But there is a fine line between smoothering and parental supervision. As a parent, you need to be acutely aware of this otherwise your child will run amok (as with no parental supervision) or be a meek person dependent on others for decision making - just my opinion.

The generalizations above are based on some of the questions asked last night.

There was a question about emergencies.

“What is your course of action when a child gets hurt of there is an emergency?”

The duh answer was, “We take your child to the nurse or if necessary, the nurse comes to us. In a major emergency 911 would be called. Depending on the severity, you will be contacted accordingly; either through a note home or a phone call.”

What did this parent think the teachers were going to say?

“Well, first we run around like chickens with our heads cut off. Then, we look at each other with blank stares while your child is bleeding profusely. Finally, we pray to God that an ambulance shows up – He usually listens. Next question?”

The teachers’ Power Point presentation included a typical daily schedule. Very clearly, it had a lunch time stated of 25 or 30 minutes.

“How much time do the kids get for lunch?”

Hello, can you not read? The teacher at the microphone pointed out the lunch time stated on the schedule. Whew, at least she encourages people (not just her students) to empower themselves and pay attention to information that has already been presented.

“I don’t see a time for nap. Will the children get a nap?”

Again, HELLO, can you not read? The schedule is up there and no nap is shown. You even observed that there was no nap time! What do you think?

Finally, the point of a parent not being able to let go.

The teachers assured us that they meet the kids at the bus each morning, walk the kids to the classroom, walk the kids to and from lunch and walk them to the bus at the end of the day. This makes sense because they are either outside where traffic could hurt them or it’s a long enough distance for a five year-old to get distracted.

However, there was a concern about bathroom breaks.

“What about the bathroom? Do they all go at the same time or does someone accompany them?”

Let go people! I have never been to a school where the bathroom requires a trip down the hall, up the stairs, through the boxwood hedge maze, and finally across the rickety bridge where the troll lives below.

Especially in an elementary school, bathrooms are not that far away from the classroom. I’m sure Cupie has ADD, but I still trust she can make the trip to the bathroom & back all by herself. Gee whiz, I even let her go to the bathroom by herself when we’re at the park.

Besides, a specific bathroom break was not on the schedule presented earlier. If everyone went to the bathroom at the same time, it would definitely require a designated time.

At one point during all this question and answer period, which seemed to take longer than the presentation itself, my friend Mary leaned over and said, “Have these people never been to school?”

That’s a scary question.

Silver lining:
  1. Cupie has an awesome daycare teacher. From the day one, the teacher treated them as though they were in kindergarten as far as raising their hands, waiting their turn, sitting quietly, expecting them to at least try everything put before them, and persevere when they have the skills, but something seems like an overwhelming task.

  2. Cupie is prepared for kindergarten. As far as the technical/intellectual skills required, she’ll meet or exceed expectations.

  3. Cupie is ready for a new challenge. She seems to excel when a surge when of new stuff to learn is put in front of her.

  4. On a selfish note, my daycare bill goes down & I finally get some payback on the portion of my property taxes that have been allocated to the school system.

Friday, April 10, 2009

I'm Such a Dork

So I went to get coffee and catch up on the daily gossip. I was away from my desk for at least 15 minutes & wouldn't you know it, I came back to that obnoxious blinking light signaling I had a message.

First off, hardly anyone leaves me a message on my phone. If someone wants information from me, it usually comes in the form of an e-mail.

Secondly, I couldn't find a pad of paper.

I had difficulty finding a pad of paper, not because my desk was a mess. No, it was because I actually filed papers and cleaned most of my desk off yesterday. I was looking under the few folders & papers that were left and could find my blasted post-it pad. I finally looked in my desk drawer. Duh, I had actually put them all away in the cleaning process.

I'm ready for a really important message, but it was the hubby (didn't even need the post-it pad). He does have a tendency to say "um" a lot so there were several pauses in the message.

As soon as I heard his voice, I completely forgot that I had just logged in to the voice mail system. As he paused, I was saying, "Uh-huh, uh-huh" like he was actually on the phone. I even said "I love you" at the end. It wasn't until he didn't say it back I remembered that it was only a voice mail message.

I'm such a dork!!!

Silver Lining:
1. I'm going to say that this happened because I hadn't drank all my coffee yet, let alone given the caffeine any time to absorb.
2. You guys are the only ones who know how dork-ish I am.

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