Got Wood?

So, Sissy & I drove all the way up to Wisconsin last week (hence the week-long absence) to help Mom get her house ready to sell.

There was much to do - stain a fence, spread mulch, clean a garage, move large stuff into the garage, paint a bedroom, general staging, etc.

All this cleaning/moving resulted in several pieces of wood. Mom pulled out the trusty saw and saw horses, cut them up into manageable, carriable pieces. Since it was trash day and the trash truck hadn't been by, we hauled them to the curb.

Not the curb at the end of the driveway mind you. No, they had to be hauled to the end of the block, and she lives on the "loooooooooong" side of the block. Mom's street was tore up for complete re-paving. (Yeah, we totally had to haul all our luggage and what-not that far too.)

After two or three trips, it was all down there, kind of hanging into the street a bit. Definitely taking up a preemo parking space right at the corner.

We worked all day in the 90 degree heat, cleaned ourselves up and headed out for the evening.

We walked aaaaaallllllll the way down to the car.

The trash was gone.

The recycling was gone.

The wood was not gone.

We left anyway.

When we got back - around 9:30 - the wood was still sitting there. Not even the rubbish scavengers were interested.

We made our way aaaaaallllll the way back to the house. After we got inside, my mom was just beside herself fidgeting.

We really should go get that wood. It's taking up a space where someone could park. I don't want anyone getting upset at me.

[Eye roll]

Mom, I don't think anyone knows you left the wood down there. We can just go get it tomorrow if it's still there.

No, someone might know I put it down there. And there isn't a lot of parking. And I'm just not going to sleep tonight knowing . . .

[Eye roll]

I looked outside.

It was dark.

No one was around.

No one was going to see us going down to get the wood. No one would know my mother left the wood down there if we went and got it tonight. If we waited until morning, we would definitely be seen and anyone who may have gotten upset about the wood taking up a perfectly good parking space would know it was her. Blah, blah, blah.

[Sigh]

Fine, let's go get it.

There was a lot of wood so we decided to take the wheelbarrow to haul it back. My mom's house is over 60 years old and I swear so is the wheelbarrow we were using. It very well could be, it used to be my grandfather's and he died almost 20 years ago. So it creaks and groans even when it's empty.

Every bump in the sidewalk (and there are many because it may also be 60 years old) makes the wheelbarrow jump. When it lands it makes that "thunder" noise. You know the sound, the one every kid loves to make it by shaking a found piece of sheet metal. It's friggin' loud!

Here we are, in the cloak of darkness, taking the wheelbarrow aaaaaalllllll the way down to the corner to pick up the wood.

Gah-gong.

Gah-gong.

Gah-gong.

For crying out loud. Get out the metal trashcan lids, pots and pans and some wooden spoons. We could have had an old fashioned parade! The neighbors would be thrilled!

So much for going quietly.

As we approached the end of the street, I noticed a beacon of light showing us the way.

No it wasn't the moon.

It was a street light.

Shining right down on the pile of wood.

So much for our cloak of darkness too.

Silver Lining:

1. On the way back, because there was some weight in the wheelbarrow, it didn't make as much noise.


2. We only had to make two trips to get all the wood back to the house. Since the wheelbarrow was so noisy, I didn't even bother taking the wood out, I just dumped it (with a loud clatter) into a pile on the driveway.


3. We are only aware of one neighbor witnessing our "stealthiness" - they just happened to get home later than we did, like while we were retrieving our contraband wood.


4. Mom's house was in pretty good shape when we left. Hopefully, she'll have the house sold and be moved down near us by Halloween.

The Battle of the Bird

We have a transom window above our front door. It doesn't open; it's just for decoration.

As such, there is a little bit of a ledge. Apparently, just the right depth for a bird nest.

Or so a particular robin seems to think.

I don't think so.

We use the front door a gazillion times a day. We have a three car garage in the back of the house which we access via an alley. The garage is full of unorganized stuff, so we don't park in it. That's a story for another day. (I know, I think I've been saying that for a couple of years now.)

I am not parking on the driveway, walking around the garage (in the generally wet or snow covered grass), and across the back patio to reach the back door.

Oh. My. Gosh. That's like, 60 feet. At least.

It is so much faster to park on the street and be just a few feet from the front door.

Anywho, back to the bird.

A couple of months ago, I noticed a bunch of grass and whatnot on the front porch right in front of the door. I swept it off into the mulch.

The next day, it happened again. This time I also observed a robin heading toward the house and making a dramatic turn when it saw me.

Gears started turning in my head. No, there wasn't any smoke emanating. I've use my brain often enough to know you have to spray some WD-40 up there once in awhile.

I made my eyes all squinty-like, pursed my lips and thought to myself, "That bird is trying to make a nest up there."

Now, I don't have an issue with birds building nests. I know there would even be interesting learning/observation moments for the kids. But I can't have a bird nest right above my front door.

Birds poop.

A lot.

And their nest isn't their bathroom. It would be my front door and porch right below the nest. I have a home based business and I can't have a front door that is constantly covered in bird poop. Also, since this is our main point of entry, I can't have a bird dive bombing us every time we use it because we're getting too close to the eggs/baby birds.

Sorry, birdie, we were here first. You are going to have to go some place else. A tree perhaps - there is one only ten feet away with a nice amount of leaves to provide adequate coverage. There are even a couple of other places where the pillars support the roof of the porch that would be good nesting spots.

Just not right above the front door!

Well, I couldn't have him building his nest there so I scooped up all his fallen materials and threw them in the trash. I wasn't going to give him easy access so he could just try again.

After I threw away the mess, I saw him up in the transom window trying to build the nest. AGAIN! Doesn't he get that there just isn't enough room up there????

I opened the door, screamed, "Bah!" at him, and he flew away. I looked like a crazy woman in my bathrobe screaming, "Bah!" at my front door for a couple of days afterward.

Whatever he was using to try to build the nest wasn't staying up there anyway. I was constantly cleaning up my front porch and filling my trash with twigs, dried grass, that netting they use to keep sod together, etc.

After a few days, I didn't seen him anymore and thought he had found himself a nice tree to make a nest in.

Until yesterday.

Let me mention we'd just had a real nice storm and the ground was sopping wet. Some would call it muddy.

The bird would call it glue.

Yup, now he had dried grass & twigs & mud.

When I woke up and walked down the stairs, I could see something in the corner of the transom window. More eye squinting and pursed lips. "That bird is back."

I grabbed a coat hanger and knocked down what little he had up there. I scooped up the meager mud hut beginnings and threw it in the trash.

I took my shower and got the family ready for the day.

An hour later, as I walked down the stairs, I actually saw the bird in the transom window with a mouth full of muddy grass. He saw me and flew off into a tree. Where he belongs!!!!!

I grabbed the hanger and knocked down a bigger wad of mud and grass. As I was doing this, I heard, "Gack! Gack! Gack!" I looked at the bird and said, "Don't you talk back to me. You can't build a nest here." I was very stern. I even wagged my finger at him.

I had to run out for a bit. When I returned an hour and a half later, that gosh darned bird had an even bigger wad of mud and grass up in the transom window.

Obviously, my stern warning wasn't enough of a deterrent. I know, it doesn't really work with the kids either. I don't know why I thought it would work on something that didn't even speak my language.

I marched up the porch steps and grabbed the coat hanger. I left it out on the porch earlier. Perhaps it was a passive attempt at a threat, but that didn't deter the bird either.

I flicked the mud off that ledge and it landed with a splat.

I needed a new plan.

To the garage!

After a brief search, I came up with water balloons. Hard to believe it was a brief search in that garage, but it was like a beacon of light was shining on the balloons. Not really, they just happened to be at the end of an eye-level shelf right in front of the access door.

I blew up several and tied them to a string. Ran to the basement for a nail & a hammer. Scrambled to place a chair under the transom window. Stretched on my tippy toes to hammer the nail into casing and tied on my string of balloons. That bird was getting faster at building his mud huts so I had to execute ASAP.

The fluttering balloons should keep him at bay.

I'm determined. I. WILL. WIN.

Silver Lining:

1. 24 hours and counting and there is no more mud in the transom window.


2. I've always resisted putting any nails in the casing around the door and transom window for Christmas garland so my front door has always had just a boring wreath on it. It's a pretty wreath, but just so cliche. Now that the first nail has been driven, I might as well put in some more when I go to put up the Christmas decorations this year.


3. I'll get a head start on those Christmas nails. The balloons are pretty deflated today so I'm going to evenly space some nails and hang old CD's from them using fishing line. Hopefully, they won't be to obvious from the street (and get me in trouble with the HO association), but will flutter enough to keep the bird away.

Simple Solutions

Nursing your baby is a special bonding time between a mother and child.

You should be able to relax and thank the Lord that your baby is hungry; thus, relieving the sometimes unbelievable pressure that has built up.

However, when your six year old is running around, bouncing off walls, and shrieking just for the fun of it, there is no relaxing.

So, what is a nursing mother to do?

Of course, the answer is simple.

You call your six year old over to you, unfasten the other flap of your nursing bra, and squeeze.

A squirt of breast milk right between the eyes has an amazingly quieting effect on the attitude of your older child.

Silver Lining:

1. I never had to do this because, I didn't nurse for very long and my girls are only two years apart.


2. I can't wait for the Island Luau this summer. I think the nursing moms in the neighborhood may have an unfair advantage in the water gun fight - they don't have to stop to reload.

A Day Off

Why do you take a day off work?

A single day.

Not a whole week for vacation.

Just a day.

Most of the time, it's to get something specific done. Get the car worked on, take the kids to a doctor appointment, finalize a major purchase, etc.

My sister took a day off work on Friday. She had to get her car inspected so she could renew her license plates. Sounds like a legitimate reason to take a day off, right?

Totally legitimate if that's the real reason she took the day off.

But that's not why. No, getting the car inspected was a side item that just happened to occur while she was busy doing what she really took the day off for.

What was the real reason you ask?

To go see the new movie aimed at folks about half her age: New Moon.

She dropped her car off at the inspection place and walked (yes, WALKED) ten minutes to the movie theater. At 9:30. In the morning.

And get this, she was bummed because no one else wanted to go with her. Can you believe it? No one else wanted to use up their PTO in order to go see a movie on a Friday morning.

The auto shop was supposed to call her when her car was finished. She didn't get a call during the movie so afterward, she hung out in the lobby of the movie theater for a little bit.

Sissy had a plan. It made no sense for her to walk all the way back over to the auto shop and sit there until the car was finished. All they had was bad coffee and a 13" TV showing only local channels on rabbit ear service.

The Plan:

• Sit in the lobby, look at watch a couple of times.


• Stand up and walk around the lobby.


• Open phone and pretend to make a call.


• Scan the show times for all 18 movies showing at that particular theater.


• Pick a show.


• Nonchalantly, wander into a second movie without paying for another admission ticket.

2012 was showing in about five minutes. After a squeal of excitement and a little skip in her step, Sissy headed over to that theater. So much for nonchalantness.

Almost as soon as she plunked her butt into a seat, she realized she was hungry. She'd been there for a couple of hours already and it was getting pretty close to noon. At the concession stand, she got herself a healthy lunch of popcorn & soda.

She had to risk exposure for not having a proper ticket, but I suppose she saved herself the embarrassment of getting kicked out for making loud and obnoxious bodily noises during the movie. You know there would be some geek there on a Friday who would complain because he couldn't hear the movie due to her stomach growl reverberating throughout the nearly empty theater.

She'd be asked to leave. The geek would reveal that he saw her walk out of New Moon and into this theater without buying another ticket. Judge Wapner would jump out of the shadows, determine that she had defrauded the movie theater, and pound his gavel sentencing her to a year without any Twilight. Oh, the horror!!!!

Good thing she risked it all for that popcorn and soda.

Silver Lining:

1. We have something new to add to the usual Thanksgiving list. Because of her stealthy ninga-ness in getting in and out of the second movie without getting busted for being ticketless, she did not end up in jail for defrauding a movie theater. Thus, she did not have to make the license plates that are now on her legally licensed car.


2. I'm a little impressed. She saw two movies, got her car inspected, got an oil change, AND ate lunch all in the span of four hours. Now that's what I call multi-tasking.

No Fail Rice Krispies - NOT!

I haven't had a good kitchen calamity in awhile. And it happens to be your lucky day (but definitely not mine).

I've got a kitchen calamity story for you all.

As luck would have it the grandparents called Saturday morning and offered to take the girls on a "Haunted Hayride" about an hour away. We were invited to an "Alley" party - which is like a block party, but takes place in the alley behind our homes. We would bring the kids, but it is really is more fun when you don't have to watch out for small appendages getting too close to a bon-fire. Can you say, "AWESOME!" (all sing-song like) - we could hang out with our neighbors and friends for a few hours and not feel bad because we stuck the kids with a babysitter!

It wasn't until four in the afternoon that I realized we needed to bring some sort of food to the party.

Brownies took an hour.

By the time I pulled together ingredients for cookies and baked them, I'd still be at an hour.

I didn't have an hour. We were planning on being there in 45 minutes.

I found some marshmallows and rice krispies in the pantry. I could tell there weren't going to be enough marshmallows to make a full pan of rice krispie treats. I figured I could just melt the marshmallows and pour in enough rice krispies until the consistency was right.

And I thought I would make up for the lack of quantity with quality. By quality, I meant chocolate. Chocolate chips mixed with marshmallow, butter & rice krispies, where could I go wrong?

Apparently, I could go horribly wrong.

I didn't want to bring over the glass dish I initially put the treats in so I started taking a knife to them in order to transfer them to a large paper plate.

I jammed the knife in and a hunk of treat zinged out of the dish, nearly taking out an eye. Thinking maybe just the edge was crunchy, I continued to try to cut the treats.

Um, yah. It wasn't just the edges.

The entire batch of rice krispie treats were crunchy. And not in a good way. It was like rock candy kind of crunchy. And painful.

I needed a new plan.

I didn't have a new plan.

There was nothing else in the pantry, to take at a moments notice. I didn't even have an unopened bag of chips.

Chips!

The market is just across the way, I would get chips at the market and then whiz off to the party!

So that we didn't have to come back into the house, Hubby's bright idea was to make up our drinks (which he was going to hold on to - there would be no drinking & driving), we'd swing by the market and then get to the party.

Mmmmm, amaretto and 7-up in my big insulated mug. Sprite is preferable, but we had 7-up so I was going with the flow. Hubby grabbed an insulated bag and filled it with six "Shocktop" beers and we were ready.

I put my big mug on the center console of my car and the sack-o-beer on the passenger floor. Telling Hubby none of this, I went back in the house.

Hubby got in the car, on the passenger side, and knocked the mug filled with amaretto and 7-up deliciousness into the drivers seat. The lid popped off and the seat was now filled with amaretto and 7-up deliciousness.

A smarter person would have started sucking the liquid up with his or her lips, but I ran inside for the shop vac. By the time I got it and an extension cord and made my way back out to the car, my sponge of a seat had completely absorbed all the amaretto and 7-up deliciousness. Like the left over bones after a body has been dissolved in an acid bath, the ice cubes remained.

It was a sad day in Mudville, folks.

Silver Lining:

1. Hubby went to the market and came back with a six pack of Mic Ultra and chips.


2. We had a good time at the party, but were home by 8:00 because we were whooped from all the earlier running around.


3. We were home by 8:00 like old, married people. But I'm happy to be an old, married person as long as I'm old and married to Hubby. Cheers, to gray hairs and rocking chairs (neither of which I have yet)!

Calendars Are Awesome!

I’ve discovered these nifty things called an Outlook calendar AND a Google calendar. They interface with each other so you can put the wrong information in one and it will transfer the wrong information to the other.

Isn’t that fantastic?!?!

On Tuesday night, my dad called me. I was out walking with Stinkles and by the time I got home and got the kids in bed, it was pretty late so I didn’t call him back.

I figured I knew what he was calling about. He was probably calling to remind me that my stepmom’s birthday was Wednesday. I’m classic for forgetting birthdays.

Yesterday (Wednesday, in case you forgot today was Thursday, or if you're reading this some other time far into the future and it is not a Thursday), I sent her an e-mail wishing her a happy birthday. I didn’t want things to go kerplewy in the evening, not be able to call, and have her think that I forgot.

I can't forget because it's in my handy dandy calendars, right?

Besides it was her birthday, and who doesn’t like to get special notes on their birthday or accept hundreds of birthday wishes?

So this is the e-mail I sent her at quarter to three:

I've had a very busy day here at work so I didn't get to send you a note until now.

Dad called last night - I'm sure to remind me that it's your birthday today. But I got smart and put it on my calendar (duh!)

Hope you've had a good birthday so far! I'll call tonight.

Love,
Me

This is the e-mail I got back:

You guys are way too funny. My birthday was 10 days ago, but I did have a good day.

Love ya.

Are you kidding me???

So I sent this back:

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. 16, not 26? Are you sure?

I am so sorry. Here I am thinking that I was all smart. Boy, I am a dummy.

I'll still call you tonight.

Love,
Me

I promptly fixed the calendar.

Silver lining:

1. I did call, and we had a pretty good laugh at my expense.


2. I learned that no system is fool proof. It’s only as good as the information some idiot puts in it.


3. ”Duh!” has a whole new, giggly meaning for us.

Let's Go Camping-ish

Ahh, the “reward” system.

Be good or Santa will leave you coal in your stocking.

Be good or the Easter Bunny won’t leave you any candy.

I want a good report or you won’t be able to go to the party.

If we get any notes from school, you’re not going camping.

That last one was the threat of the week.

A couple of years ago Hubby took Cupie camping at Jellystone Park. She has never forgotten and continually asks when they will get to go back. Hubby finally decided to give in and we decided on this past weekend. This time Stinkles was old enough for camping so he was going to take BOTH girls and I’d have a wonderfully, relaxing weekend free of whining (not wining, there would be plenty of that).

I was going to take pictures all around Pleasantville to enter in Kristi Sauer’s Photo Hunt Challenge for the month of August. I love photography and I don’t get a lot of opportunities to just wander about taking pictures (you can see my best stuff over at Picture This).

Bliss was mine!

This summer has been unusually mild. This past weekend was no different. I opened every window in the house and let the 70 degree breezes waft throughout.

Because of the temperature, Hubby decided it would be too chilly to swim at Jellystone.

If there’s no swimming, what am I going to do with them. There’s a train and mini golf, but that doesn’t take up much time. And they’re going to be freezing at night.

He also hadn’t completely though through the bathroom situation. Unlike boys, it’s not so easy for a girl to go potty in the woods. Let alone a three or five year old. They’d get pee all over their panties & nightgowns. What a nightmare.

Hubby convinced the kids it would be more fun to camp at home. He would set the tent up in the office, blow up the air mattress, and put their sleeping bags inside.

Our office is 13 X 14. It contains a futon on one wall, a desk on another, an electric keyboard, and a low file cabinet which holds the cage where our bird, George, lives.

We could move the keyboard. Everything else was either too heavy, awkward, or just had no place to go.

The remaining space measured about 11 X 11 - MAX.

The tent is 11 X 12.

It’s a dome tent so it was flexible, but we had to assemble it in the room.

Those poles are at least 16 feet long.

Some time ago I wrote a post about our friends bringing popcorn to watch the show Hubby & I put on assembling a tent. If only they could see us this time. As a safety precaution, no popcorn would be allowed. They would have been laughing so hard, they might have inhaled the popcorn and choked to death. That would put a damper on the whole camping thing.

Anyway, we’re lucky no one lost an eye with the unwieldy tent poles.

The air mattress was blown up and sleeping bags, pillows, special animals were all placed inside.

We had “camping” food for dinner: Cheeseburgers, corn, baked beans, Doritos. We made S’mores (which they didn’t even like) and Jiffy Pop popcorn (the kind with the foil that you hold over a flame to pop). Then, we enjoyed a luxury generally not available when camping. They got to watch a movie! This was mostly to tire out Stinkles. She has a tendency to goof around and sing and chit-chat when she should be sleeping. We needed her good and tired so she fell asleep quickly.

We tucked the girls into bed, Hubby slept on the couch and I snuggled up in my nice, warm, comfortable bed.

Turns out not only does Stinkles talk non-stop while awake, she also talks in her sleep! Cupie couldn’t sleep in the tent with her so she ended up sleeping in the chair/lounger in the family room.

Some camping trip, huh?

Silver lining:

1. I got to sleep in my own bed.


2. I still got to go out and take pictures. I did this on Sunday afternoon with Cupie so it was a nice bonding time.


3. The camping bug has been quelled for another year.

Get Smart

If you are in a technical field most people assume you are smart, correct?

Take, for instance, anything to do with computers. If you can open a box, connect cables, insert several plugs into a power strip, AND make a computer turn on, you’re doing okay. Get that internet thing goin’ on and you’re doing good.

Let’s take that to the next level. Let’s say, you can figure out how to connect more than one computer, set up a fire wall, route your telephone, and get movies on the TV using nothing more than a little box and a black cable, you’re on a roll!

There are a lot of people who have accomplished the above within their homes. We have all that, but that’s only because Hubby is a computer networking guru. It’s certainly not because of my computer know-how.

If it were up to me, I would have a land line, cable, and one computer with dial-up.

You know why?

Because someone else would have come in and hooked all this stuff up for me. And each one would remain separate so that I could tell exactly what which one is broken without using any non-existent computer/electronics troubleshooting abilities.

Hubby’s abilities go much further than home electronics, but I couldn’t even begin to tell you what else he does – it’s that complicated. He’s the guy that takes all those 24-like computer/electronic gadgets and makes them all “talk” to each other.

On the subject of 24 – that Chloe character has got to be smart, right? She hacks into all the s*ck-*ss networks (that Hubby did not set up/secure) in order to obtain necessary schematics to top secret underground tunnels and reprogram their computers to play the Hamster Dance every time there was an incoming e-mail.

Computer programming. Now, there’s some genius.

How many people understand that language?

Honestly, how many of my fellow bloggers been to The Blog Doctor whenever you’ve wanted to do something cool, but Blogger didn’t have a readily available gadget? How do you all think I figured out how to put those tabs on the top of my page?

On a daily basis, I walk amongst such geniuses. We have almost an entire floor of our building housing electrical engineers and programmers. These are the guys we depend on in order to create the product the sales department has already sold. They better be smart!

Imagine my surprise the other day, as I was walking to the break room (I think I needed more potato chips), which requires a walk amongst the geniuses, when I heard someone whistling.

What were they whistling, you ask?

IF I ONLY HAD A BRAIN!


Silver Lining:

1. This person was only one out of over a hundred in the engineering department.

2 . In an economy like this, we’re still producing what the customers want and the customers are still buying. We’re more fortunate than other companies out there.

The Restroom Evolution

That’s right, there has been an evolution of sorts going on with the restrooms here at the office. It’s been pretty slow, like over the last year or so. The other day, the newest characteristic was the icing on the cake and I can’t keep my thoughts to myself any longer.

The first, was the addition of one of those paper towel dispensers that you wave your hand in front of and an allotment of paper whirs out. I can’t figure out why this one is necessary.

It can’t be sanitary issues as there was already a paper towel dispenser that has those individual z-fold papers in it. They didn’t take it out. Besides, the new dispenser has a sensor that is so insensitive, you practically have to touch it to get it to spit out a paper towel. Now, how can that be more sanitary than the original 1970’s version. Actually, why does even matter how you get the paper towels out of a dispenser? The people touching it, just washed their hands, right??

Also, the new, automatic dispenser is so high on the wall, you have to reach up to wave at the sensor. This causes water to run down your arm and in your sleeves.

Around the same time, sanitary gel dispensers were added just outside the restrooms. Didn’t you just wash your hands???

The next round in the evolution was the addition of signage to the outside of the doors.

For Privacy Reasons,
Please Refrain from Using
Phones in the Restroom

Really??? Is there anyone who doesn’t know that everyone outside the restroom can hear every noise in the restroom?? That includes that fart you went to the restroom to “discretely” let go.

I work in an office of professionals and access is restricted to employees, contractors & temporary workers. How immature to they think we are? I honestly don’t think anyone here is going to go into the restroom with their cell phones with the intention of taking pictures over the stalls. Even if there are creepy contractors, I don’t see women contractors doing this. The restroom doesn’t have a gender check so the mere presence of a male in the woman’s restroom would cause enough ruckus – with or without a phone.

The newest restroom characteristic comes in the form of a SHARPS box. Any they advocating shooting up at work? I suppose this is to ensure you’re being safe with your needles. You wouldn’t want someone else gets a disease by sticking themselves with a used needle when they reach waaaaaay down in the trashcan.

While were on the subject of restrooms, can I jump off my topic for a moment (not that you can do anything about it, but I thought I’d be nice and ask)?

Isn’t there an unwritten rule about using the stall next to someone? Unless it is absolutely necessary, aren’t you supposed to have an empty stall between two users?

For example, if there are three stalls and they are all empty, you should choose the one of the end stalls. That way there the other end stall is available for another person; thus, leaving an empty stall in between. I can see your heads nodding – I knew I was right on this one!

Why, when I’m in a five staller (all empty upon entering) and I’m in the middle one, would some one choose the stall right next to me??? I clearly followed the rules and left at least two available, more desirable stalls – what gives??

Anyway, back to the original topic for the silver lining.

Silver Lining:
1. Obviously, work safety is a positive priority. I’m glad I work for a company that promotes this and takes it seriously.
2. I don’t have to worry about someone in Hong Kong hearing me pee via cell phone.
3. I don’t have to worry about someone taking my picture while in a compromised position.
4. I’m not going to get any germs from the paper towel dispensers (unless someone at the paper towel factory sneezed on them during the rolling process).
5. In the highly unlikely even I get hooked on drugs so I can fry my brains like eggs, I know I can safely dispose of my needles at work.


PS – Before you get all up in arms, I’m sure the SHARPS box is there for a legitimate medical reason. But that’s not something that makes me laugh . . .

I'd Like to Take a Moment . . .

. . . to thank all my visitors, followers & subscribers for being my readers.

I was just looking at where all my readers are coming from and I’m up to half of the United States. UPDATE 5/11/09 - ONLY 12 STATES TO GO!!!!!!

I’ve decided to make it a goal to have readers from all the United States. I’ll go for the countries & territories later – I’ve got seven of those so far!

Check out my list. BOLD are the states I’ve had readers. Red are the states I’m trying to “collect”.

Alabama
Alaska
Arizona
Arkansas
California
Colorado
Connecticut
Delaware
Florida
Georgia
Hawaii
Idaho
Illinois
Indiana
Iowa
Kansas
Kentucky
Louisiana
Maine
Maryland
Massachusetts
Michigan
Minnesota
Mississippi
Missouri
Montana
Nebraska
Nevada
New Hampshire
New Jersey
New Mexico
New York
North Carolina
North Dakota
Ohio
Oklahoma
Oregon
Pennsylvania
Rhode Island
South Carolina
South Dakota
Tennessee
Texas
Utah
Vermont
Virginia
Washington
West Virginia
Wisconsin
Wyoming



If you know people in the red states that need a dose of humor two or three times a week, shot over my blog URL.

Hey, one more thing. I love comments – even if it’s just a “Hee, Hee”. I’d also like to know if you have a goofy life like mine – tell me your stories!!!

If you’re a reader from a red state, let me know – I’m an immediate gratification kind of gal. My funny stories are all in the archives in the side bar, but some of my favorites are:

http://lifemakesmelaugh.blogspot.com/2008/10/b-101-have-escape-route.html (this is my all time favorite!)

http://lifemakesmelaugh.blogspot.com/2009/01/im-goin-for-grass.html

http://lifemakesmelaugh.blogspot.com/2008/09/i-faught-lawn-lawn-won.html

http://lifemakesmelaugh.blogspot.com/2009/01/rhymes-with-sit-fit-zit.html

http://lifemakesmelaugh.blogspot.com/2009/02/taste-that-creates-smiling-eyes.html


Silverlining:

1. I have readers & followers!


2. I got more involved in the blog world and discovered more of the interesting people out there – makes life a little more fun

Rotate This. . .

We’re going to a trivia event this weekend and the theme is “Let’s Go to the Movies.” Instead of going with a specific movie, we’re doing the Oscars.

Hubby wants to make a huge Oscar (cut out of luan) and put it on our rotating Christmas tree stand so it spins around. The problem? Our Christmas tree stand no longer rotates.

After picking his way through the Goodwill donation section, the luggage section, & the Sunday school supplies section, he finally arrived at the Christmas section of our basement. Fortunately, the stand was near the front of the Christmas pile so he was able to haul it out easily.

I had recently unpacked some boxes (we moved into our house a year and half ago & I still have boxes!) and found not one, but two cans of WD-40. Just in time, because Rob decided that was what the Christmas tree stand needed to get it rotating again.

Spray, spray, spray.

Plug in.

Turn on.

Motor running – no spinning.

Well, it must be hung up on something on the inside. There was a screw on the bottom, which he took out, but we still couldn’t get the “guts” cover off in order to inspect the “guts”.

We needed the mini pry bar!

To the basement, yet again. We looked over by the furnace, in the stack of unpacked boxes of workshop gizmos, and the top of the table saw (obviously gets a lot of use based on the amount of stuff on top of it – NOT).

No mini pry bar.

I finally looked in the tool chest. Low and behold, it was there. Who would have thunk it?

For some reason, prying off the bottom of the tree stand became my job. He sat on the couch and watched me.

I could get the pry bar between the top & bottom covers, but I could get it off. I needed more leverage. To the basement for the “Superbar”. I had seen this in the earlier search, so I knew exactly where it was.

So I’m jamming the crowbar under the lip of the bottom cover & pushing as hard as I can. Hubby got up off his butt and tried standing on one side of it to give me a little more leverage. Still no go on frickin’ that cover.

Now, he decided to point out that from the other side, looking down in the hole where the tree stump goes, you can see there is a machine screw in there. Not the head, but the bottom.

I figure, hey, the whole thing is plastic, I should be able to pound something down in there and strip it out. Guess what? I went to the basement again.

I came back with a HUGE long screw. I start banging around with my 2 oz hammer and that bolt isn’t moving. Once again, Hubby, my knight in shining armor, steps in to help. First, he sent me to the basement to “find a real hammer”, meaning the Craftsman heavy ass one.

He’s banging away and suddenly, leaps back with a “YOW! Son of a Bitch!” He had totally hammered full force on this thumb. He was in the kind of pain that travels up your arm so you can’t move it and you have difficulty breathing. This wasn’t funny – he was in serious pain.

After playing nursemaid for a bit, I started studying that stupid tree stand again. Hmmmm, there is a smaller cover embedded on the big bottom cover.

I started whacking away at that. ZING! The little cover went flying across the room. I’m lucky I didn’t shoot someone’s eye out.

WHAAAAAAAAAAH! The head of the screw!!!

Take that screw out and the whole thing opens like magic!

I took it apart very carefully. Not carefully enough because I knocked out the balls in the ball bearing ring. These were nasty. There was black goo all over them, but I put them back in, & lubricated all the moving parts.

Hubby had enough forethought to test the motor before putting it back together. We plugged it in, turned it on & voila – the motor ran smoothly.

I put that sucker back together – no less than a bazillion parts – and tried it out again. The damn thing wouldn’t turn!

We decided, the motor must not have enough power anymore to turn the weight of the tree stand, but Rob figures he can still use the motor and rig up a way to put the “Oscar” on top.

We’ll just see how this turns out.

Silver lining:

1. Good thing we tested this last night instead of waiting until Saturday.


2. The ball bearing goo stain on the carpet seems to have come out.


3. I’m getting a new Christmas tree stand so I’ll be back to “Lazy Ass” decorator by letting the tree rotate while putting on the gold beads & ornaments. God forbid, I have to walk around the tree a hundred times.

My Husband, the Philospher

In the shower, some people sing, some people pray, some people just get it done.

But my husband, well, he thinks random thoughts. And he has the “courtesy” to share them with me.

I’m so proud to be married to a man with such a brilliant mind – he is a member of MENSA after all.

Philosophers have pondered, debated & written theories on everything imaginable. However, my husband has given me and everyone reading this blog something to think about.

A recent sample of his random thoughts:

In a backward world, what if air was replaced by water?

Would toilets be filled with air?

Would fish breathe air while we breathed water?

Sounds to me, like he’s ready for summer and swimming. Or a vacation that involves SCUBA diving.

Now, for the scary (not so proud) revelation:

In a bizarro (as if the air/water thing weren’t bizarre enough) world, what if the human body worked backward?

Would we suck crap up our butt instead of it coming out?

Would it make its way up through the body so our mouths expel food?

Where would our teeth be located, in our butt?

These are the things he thinks about in the shower. How the hell did he get admitted into MENSA? Perhaps he should be admitted to a mental institute.

They're coming to take me away, ha-haaa!!
They're coming to take me away, ho-ho, hee-hee, ha-haaa
To the funny farm. Where life is beautiful all the time . . .


Silver lining:

• I’m having a tough time with this one. I suppose there are worse things he could be doing in the shower, like singing.

Ridin' Along in My Automobile - Part 2

Please read the previous post before continuing: http://lifemakesmelaugh.blogspot.com/2008/11/riden-along-in-my-automobile.html

We worked on our “laptop on a box DVD player” the other day.

First order of business was to find a sturdy box that will fit in the back seat. Now, it’s a pretty roomy back seat, but not any box is going to do. Computer boxes were our best bet for something quite sturdy, but most of them are too big. A computer monitor box is at least 2’X2’.

After taking careful measurements, we decided to cut one of the monitor boxes in half and sandwich the two pieces together to make one skinnier box. Initially, this didn’t work so well. The two halves don’t fit together very smoothly. Duct tape was in order. We needed to tape the two halves together in order to keep it together and the top mostly flat.

You know how tape has a tendency to un-stick itself from cardboard? Well, it does. We solved that problem by wrapping the duct tape all the way around the box – side to side & top to bottom.

We put the box in the back seat. It fit snuggly, thanks to our careful measurements, between the front & back seats.

Snug fit from front to back – check!

There was a problem though. It seems there is a small hump in the middle of the backseat floor. While the box fit pretty well, we needed to make sure it didn’t rock from side to side while on the road.

Second order of business was to stabilize the box. Lop off the bottom & cut a little curve in the bottom. That sounds like a good solution. Back to the car.

Stable from side to side – check!

Time for the laptop. We attached Velcro to the top of the box & the bottom of the laptop. This seemed to work out ok, but now we needed to plug in the laptop. Rob has one of those adaptor boxes with a regular outlet on one end and a thingy to plug into the cigarette lighter.

Power – check!

We put the girls in the back seat and went for a test drive.

Reality – big fat goose egg! There seemed to be some issues.

First, the girls complained that they couldn’t see very well. It was an old laptop so viewing the screen from an angle left much to be desired in the picture quality. There were a whole lot of dark spots.

Secondly, and overall more important, the front passenger seat could not be reclined. It seemed there was an obstacle. Oh, yah, it must be the box because it had to be wide enough to hold a laptop and the space between the two front seats was less than 12”.

I guess this wasn’t such a good plan. Good thing we tested it early. We still have time to order a new DVD system – it should arrive on Monday.

Silver lining:
Dude, do I even need to give you one? In retrospect, the whole idea was not such a good idea.

Ridin' Along In My Automobile

We are driving to Wisconsin to visit my family for Thanksgiving. It is a big to-do because we haven’t made the trek to the frozen tundra since my cousin got married more than three years ago.

Speaking of that wedding, we had one of those handy-dandy portable DVD players which kept Kate occupied. We had to listen to the same Baby Einstein video over and over, but we eventually tuned it out. Kind of like when your spouse is babbling on and on about designing a VPNISPVOIPRAMROMCPU (how do you pronounce that?) compatible computer network, the decision making process in choosing the right fabric for drapes, or fitting FASB amortization tables into the GL matrix.

Something went haywire with the power cord on that DVD player and we called in a warranty claim, got a shipping label & everything. We haven’t gone anywhere for a really long time so I didn’t think about it much until I came across it while unpacking our garage (one year after moving into our new house). It had never been sent in for repairs so it is now useless.

Back to the Thanksgiving trip. We no longer have a video system to entertain the kids on the eight+ hour trip to see my parents. Until, EUREKA, Hubby had an idea!

He has an old laptop with a DVD player in it. Could I sew some kind of bag and harness to hold it between the seats? I couldn’t believe I was actually considering this. I guess I could try to sew something – my specialty is straight lines so it could get interesting. What would we use for the harness part? Maybe elastic? No, too much movement. How about we just tie it up with rope?

Driving down the highway (or at every rest stop), I can only imagine the thoughts of the other travelers around us:

The elite in their limos: Suckers! They have to drive themselves. I think I’ll take a nap now.

The soccer mobile (AKA mini van): Glad I bought this mini van with the DVD player built in. What a bunch of hoosiers.

The couple without kids: We are sooooo buying a vehicle that has the DVD player built in. I don’t want to look like a hoosier driving around town. (Never mind that kids are expensive enough without going out and buying a special vehicle just to feed their need to watch videos 24/7.)

The grandparents: Those poor deprived children, their grandparents should get them one of the car systems for Christmas.

The other families traveling several miles with kids in the car & no DVD player: Damn! That’s a good idea. Wish we had thought of it.

We considered it further. Sewing something wasn’t such a good idea. There were too many complications – how to hold it up, creating a slit for the DVD drive to open, sewing something like corners, etc. We needed a new idea.

There isn’t a hump in the middle of the back seat, maybe we could put the laptop on a box. How would we keep it on the box? Velcro. OK – we have a plan!

Stay tuned to find out how well this plan was executed.

Silver lining: We’ll just see what happens . . .

It's Not Easy Being Green (or brown in this case)

We have a fairly large toad population in our community. The kids love them and they can be kind of cute because they are so small (only about 2 1/2 inchs long). I haven't found them to be a nuisance, but others have complained about the toads piling up in the basement window wells.

Since I don't go in the basement much, I hadn't noticed this problem.

I was down there one afternoon and heard a knocking sound. I checked out the furnace - nothing going on there. I checked the airvents to see if they were blowing on two things hitting each other - nada. Then I turned around, and I saw him - there was a toad in the window well. He was jumping at the window. I swear he could see me and was trying to get my attention - "Help meeeeee"

Now, we have an egress window in our basement. This window is about four by four feet. On the outside there is removable grate on the top of the well and a ladder leading to the bottom. There is no way any animal that is able to get in there will be able to climb out.

That statement was proven by the time I actually walked over to the window where this little toad was jumping at the window. Cue the wild west ghost town music and wind noise. There were rabbit bones!!!!!! And some dried up toads!!!!! EWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!

Oh, my gosh! I couldn't let this little guy suffer the same fate, but I didn't want to climb in with all the dead stuff to get him out. I also didn't want him the basement so I wasn't going to just open the window & take off the screen. There is so much stuff all over the place, he could have hopped in an hidden anywhere.

My sister, Sissy, happened to be over and felt just as bad about the toad. We had to do something! If only we could reach the toad from the top. Neither one of us wanted to climb down the ladder into the well. Good thing her brain was functioning better than mine, she grabbed my daughter's butterfly net. We didn't have to actually get in if we reached down into the well with the net.

We went to the side of the house and between the two of us were able to pull the iron grate off the well. The well and the grate aren't the same size so there is a gap between the house and the grate. That explains how these critters got in there.

Kneeling on the ground, Sissy went after the toad with the net. She really had to stretch in order to get the end of the net all the way to the bottom. You lose a lot of control when you're barely holding on to the end so the toad kept jumping away before we could scoop him up.

Sissy decided one of us had to go down there. She volunteered and it wasn't until she hit the bottom that I realized she was wearing open-toed, platform shoes - really sensible for an animal rescue mission, huh?

She scooped him up and we started for the field across the street. But he hasn't had any water for awhile. We considered that for a moment and decided the best place for him was in the lake on the other side of the field. The grass was pretty long, there were thistles, and who knows what animals were creeping around in there. Good thing there is a canal near by. We walked two blocks and climbed down the grassy bank to set the toad on a patch of mud right by the water. Mission accomplished!!

Silver lining:
1. An animal was saved from a cruel death.
2. I totally felt good about the rescue. I can't imagine the guilt I would have felt if I just left him there.

My Maytag Repair Man

I'm a newbie to blogging, but I gotta write this stuff down somewhere!

The dryer broke last week - no heat. A neighbor, Emerson, came over and helped my husband disassemble it so they could figure out what was wrong. Good thing Emerson was there; Hubbyb is pretty handy, but this was definitely a job for someone with a little more experience.

Let's just say, I now have a dryer in pieces and a part (hopefully, the right one) on the way. The laundry room is on the second floor of our house - thank goodness; otherwise, I'd have parts strewn about the main living area!

Right now the drum is sitting at the top of the stairs. I never thought there was enough room for a little table in the corner up there, but we've gotten used to the drum being there. Maybe I should throw a piece of plywood and a table cloth on top. There is an outlet so I could add a lamp and some chochkies.

Our laundry was really starting to pile up because I thought Hubby and Emerson would get it fixed and I'd be able to move on. Nope - it's been down since last Wednesday and the part should arrive in 5-7 days from now. So, I've had to improvise. I have laid my daughter's waterproof mattress pads over the stair railing and laid clothes across them. I have underwear draped over hangers and hanging from the hall bathroom shower rod. I don't have a lot of those pants hangers, you know, the ones where the pants are hung at full length, so I've got binder clips holding pants lengthwise from regular hangers.

The upstairs is a sight to behold! You can only imagine!

Silver lining:
1. I've learned to prioritize the laundry so we've all got clean clothes instead of a bunch of clean towels, but nothing to wear. I have more clean clothes hanging in my closet than I usually do.
2. It's spurred us on to finally organize the laundry room. It's pretty tight and storage has been lacking. This project has given us an excuse to actually change that.
3. My husband actually listened to me about getting help with a household repair!!!

I'll keep you posted!