Hold (hic) Breath Until You Feel Light-Headed, Feel Normal For An Hour, (hic) Repeat

Such is the life with me and hiccups. I doesn't matter what remedy I use to stop them, they come back in about an hour. Mind you, it's not an everyday thing. They seem to go away after a good night's sleep, but when the hiccups start in the morning, I know I'm in for a whole day.

It's real professional to hiccup during a (hic) meeting. You don't feel like a total stooge for doing so either. I guess this would be true if I were a teen(hic)age boy. Which is totally not the case. They're embarrassing - hiccups and teenage boys - because they're so ob(hic)noxious.

So I was eating lunch today. I didn't bring my lunch and I got a salad out of the "Wheel of Death" machine. I didn't look at is as I sat down and (hic) started assembling it. They vacuum seal the lettuce. And there is a vacuum seal on the meat. (hic) Neither one of these had a "tear hear" indicator or any notches (because I figure that out without them actually printing a "tear here" on the package), just some wavy edges on one end.

Wavy edges normally say, "Start opening from this end because it will make your life easier."

Well (hic), the wavy lines LIE!

I tried tearing from the wav(hic)y edge.

I looked for a separation in the pack(hic)aging to see if I could split it open.

I tried using my (hic) teeth to start a good notch in which to tear.

I tried using my plastic knife to puncture (hic) the package.

All my friends pretty much sat there and laughed as I hiccuped and struggled through assembling my lunch.

It finally took a pocket (hic) knife to tear open the packaging around the let(hic)tuce and the meat.

And after all that, the lettuce was soggy (hic) and there was ham packaged together with turkey. I don't (hic) like ham so I had to pick through it to get the turkey bits for my (hic) salad.

Piece. By. (hic) Piece.

They weren't exactly grouped nicely.

The (hic) croutons were stale too.

It was at this point I noticed the "sell by" date of last Friday. You'd think that was enough to scare the hiccups right out of me, but alas, it wasn't enough (hic).

Silver Lining:

1. I got my money back for the limp lettuce, stale crouton salad.


2. I held my breath for a bit and the hiccups stopped. But now, as I write this, they are back (hic).