Sunday, June 28, 2009

Sometimes Scary

Don't you think it's scary how well you know your kids sometimes?

Last night we were driving home from an outdoor production of Annie and it was way past the kids bedtimes.

About 15 minutes into the drive home, Hubby asks, "How are they doing back there?"

I turned around and looked. "Well, one is sleeping and the other is picking her nose."

Hubby says, "So, you're saying Cupie is sleeping?"

He was right!

Our three-year-old is a classic nose-picker - grosses me out! How do I stop this???

Silver lining:

1. The mostly enjoyed the show, but it was different enough from the movie that they lost interest. We left at intermission otherwise it would have been way, way, way past their bedtime.
2. Stinkles did say she was hungry at one point, I guess she was just being resourceful.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

What's With This Heat?

The weather here has turned from rainy & dreary to hot & steamy. The heat index is supposed to be something like 105 – 110 today!!! I’m sure that’s with 100% humidity. I hate it when I walk out of a nice cool building into the blistering heat with a humidity level that makes me feel like I’m drowning.

This kind of heat makes you do things you wouldn’t normally do. Last night, I was playing Bunco (that’s normal, not a heat induced thing) and heard the wildest story. . .

It was a hot and steamy Sunday morning so the town folk headed over to the church – not because it was hot & steamy, but because it was Sunday. The ladies fanned themselves with their bulletins, the preacher approached lectern quickly (so as to create a breeze within the robe), the men aired their pits by splaying their arms across the backs of the pews, and the children just sat there (it was way too hot to cause any kind of disturbance).

One woman took the hot and steamy thing to a whole new level. All this was actually getting her hot and bothered. And she was going to do something about it.

From the back of the church, this woman started crab crawling across the tops of the pews. Polite as could be, she even said “Excuse me,” as she climbed to the front of the church. By now, everything had stopped and everyone was staring (don’t lie, you would be too).

At the front of the church, the preacher, calm as can be, approached her to see if he could help her with something. To which, she propositioned him. When the preacher turned her down in front of everyone, did she walk away with her head down in shame? I would if I were turned down flat in front of everyone I knew. Nooooo, she proceeded to strip off her clothing in an effort to change his mind!

The authorities were called and she was hauled off to the looney bin.

As I relayed this all to my husband, he just sat there playing on his computer. I wasn’t sure he had heard the story until the end when he asked, “So what church was this at? I’d consider changing religions.”

I wonder if he wants to become a preacher too.

Silver Lining:
1. The woman has been taken somewhere to get the help she needs, be it medication, or a cold shower.
2. It wasn’t me! While I may belong in a looney bin, I don't need to strip off all my clothing for that to become blatently obvious. Besides, NO ONE wants to see me hot, bothered & naked!

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Marching to the Beat of Your Own Drummer

As I was driving in to work today, I observed a woman walking. She was in her walking “gear” – t-shirt, shorts, tennies, IPOD. As she was walking, I could see her arms were a flappin’. Then, I saw her head grovin’. She was totally into what ever was on her IPOD, in her own world, power-walking to the beat of some kind of drummer.

I had to giggle to myself because as an outsider, she looked quite ridiculous. I think it’s funny when I bust people doing this in their cars too. I hate it when it happens to me though. Even worse, is if you get busted for speeding while you’re doing it.

This is exactly what happened to my mom many years ago.

We were driving from Mid-America to Florida. Mom had a conference and Sissy & I were going to Disney World! (I’m groovin’ in my chair to that “Goin’ to Disney World” song right now.)

It was Mom’s turn to drive and the driver gets to pick the music – that’s the universal rule for road trips. At the time, her favorite tunes were on the soundtrack to “Phantom of the Opera”. She knew every word, every crescendo. The crescendo is what got her in to trouble.

Song four – “The Phantom of the Opera” – has the lead actress singing couple of measures that kept getting louder and higher in octave each time they were repeated. Mom, envisioning herself as this character, sang right along. With every crescendo, her foot got a little heavier on the gas.

Head tipped back a bit (so she could project) and swaying a bit with each note, she sang and sped her way right past a State Trooper.

Sissy & I saw him as soon as she sped past, but this was too late. He saw us too.

In Macon County Georgia, Officer Slappy (yes, you read the name correctly) pulled my mom over and wrote her a ticket for speeding. Apparently, he wasn’t a fan of “The Phantom of the Opera”.

Silver lining:
1. After all the lectures before the trip about not speeding, Mom was the one busted, not Sissy & I.

2. Mom still likes “The Phantom”, I still like “The Phantom” and my five year old has just discovered “The Phantom” – cool, huh?

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

River of a Different Substance

Wow, that was Awkward had a nifty tag thing-a-ma-bob going on and it sounds really fun so I shoe-horned my way into the criteria for participating.

I went to the first folder in my picture files and pulled out the tenth picture.

Now, I have to make a post out of it.

My youngest daughter was only 18 months old, and this was her first "active" summer. The year before she was only a lump that rolled over. I guess that would be considered active, but this year was much more fun.

This was the year she learned how to walk, which turned into running really quickly. Running after a toddler, trying to catch them, but at the same time not running them over is a skill they should teach in those child bearing classes. It would go something like this:

Instructor: Well now, wasn't that an interesting video? Take special note of how the doctor was in charge of "catching" the baby.

Video rewind & pause at that special moment
Instructor: You all have only 12 - 18 months after the birth to perfect your catching skills.

Blank stares & open mouths from all the future mommies & daddies.

Instructor: That thing inside you ladies is going to learn how to walk.

Heads nod very slowly.

Instructor: Well, it's going to learn how to run too. You have to catch the child without running him/her over (they're always politically correct like that).

Light bulbs appear and heads nod vigorously.

Apparently, we did not pay attention in child bearing class, nor did we perfect the skill with our older daughter. To avoid the Get-her! I'm-trying-but-I-might-knock-her-out! exchange, we came up with a plan - put her in overall every chance we get! You don't have to grab the actual child, just the "handles"!

You see she is studying the river of bubbles so contently, but that doesn't mean something in the distance couldn't attract her attention a split second later, and off she'd go. Which is exactly what happened - good thing we were one step ahead!

On a side note, she was only 18 months old so she was eating regular foods (like real people), but was wearing diapers. The messes we had to clean up were so foul, we started calling her stinky handles - stinky butt, handles for the overalls. Eventually this got shortened to "Stinkles".

Silver lining:

1. Anytime you, as a parent, can feel like you've got a leg up on the kids is cause for celebration - bubbly all around (and I don't mean the bubbly you blow through a wand).

2. She doesn't know the origin of her nick-name so she doesn't care that we call her that. We're probably dead-meat when she's a teenager. I figure it's just another tool in the parental arsenal to keep the boys away.

By the way, I like the way Wow picked the people to participate. He did the first five odd numbered comments, I'll do the first five even numbered comments (2, 4, 6, 8, 10). Bring on the comments - can't wait to see your pics!

Monday, June 15, 2009

Fit & Active?

Let’s just say I am neither fit nor active by any stretch of the imagination.

However, I rode my bike twice this weekend (once to the farm, once to get an ice cream cone), but now I have bike-butt. Maybe staying inactive was a better choice.

Anywho, despite my general inactive state, I decided to try the “Fit & Active Pepperoni Pizza Pockets”.

Let’s just say, I found out where the “active” part of the name comes from.

The ends of the pocket were hermetically sealed. I was using my handy-dandy plastic knife to cut into it, but I needed something more like a hacksaw. My arm was quite active.

On the first end, I managed to hack my way in. The middle was really good; although, I should have read the package more – it had provolone cheese in it. I don’t like provolone because it sticks to your teeth – yek!

When I got to the other end (yes, I was eating the ends because I was really, really, really hungry), I again attempted to hack my way through. My knife was dull from the cutting of the first end, but I discovered I didn’t have to cut all the way through. All you really had to do was score it, and it would snap off – similar to when you’re trimming a piece of glass or drywall.

Drywall, can you say yummy?

Silver lining:

1. I had some Strawberry Sugar Wafers as a chaser – now that’s yummy!

2. While I was buying the Fit & Active pockets, I managed to buy enough groceries to make three or four dinners - we had eggs & toast for dinner last night because it was the only thing left in the fridge/cupboards (we were even out of cereal).

Thursday, June 11, 2009

The Shoe Monster

I got this e-mail from my sister this afternoon and it was just too good to keep to myself. This is straight out of the e-mail - I couldn't have written this story any better myself. (My comments or supplemental information is in white.) This picture is obviously not from the photo studio, but dang, I just had to show off how cute my niece, Lulu, is.
Here's the e-mail:

I have been busy today, on my day off. Went to get Lulu's 1st birthday pictures taken (even though she turned one 2 months ago). Let’s just say I started at 10:30 this morning and I just got home 30 minutes ago (It’s 3:30 now). Oh yea, and I lost one of Lulu's shoes along the way!!

We left the house with her barefoot. I made sure I packed her shoes for the photo shoot. Lulu finds shoes fascinating. On any given day, we can only find 1 shoe out of the set. She likes to move them around the house and put them in different places. We find the other half of the set in her hiding places, like the toy box, the bathroom trash, her highchair, the diaper chest. We as a family struggle every morning trying to find a matching pair of shoes. Lulu is a little stinker.

At the studio, we are on the last outfit change, and what do you know, I can't find the other shoe!!! I thought I was losing my mind, I knew I packed both shoes. I still can't find that damn shoe!!!

Went to the Mills to have her pictures taken and their camera didn't work due to the storm. Had to then drive out to the other Kiddie Kandids 35 minutes away! They only have ONE sitting area. Luckily, the Mills store called ahead of time for me to get me in. We started at 12:00 and pictures were complete by 12:30. Then, we had to wait for others in front of us to finish deciding what pictures they wanted. THEY WERE THERE FOR ANOTHER HOUR!!! My god, really!!!! I already knew want I wanted and what I needed (only took 10 minutes – we both use this photo studio all the time so we’ve got it down to a science)!!! They only had one computer to set your orders on. The family before me was sooo undecided. I wanted to get bitchy and say, "Excuse me, can I just place my order real quick?" But I kept my cool, we know how hard that is sometime- LOL!!!

Silver lining:
1. Lulu was a trooper. She didn't get a morning nap, but she didn't get fussy at the portrait studio. She was very good.
2. She is passed out upstairs right now.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

You Ever Have One of Those Days?

Neither the phone nor the shower gods were looking down on my friend Ari recently. In fact, they both conspired against her in order to cause great pain and embarrassment.

Ari was in the shower when the phone started ringing. How many times has this happened to you? Nobody else in the house seems to be answering it. They just assume you’re going to do it even though you just told them ten minutes ago you were going to take a shower.

So what do you do? Let it go to the answering machine (nobody has these things any more, do they? They really should be Smithsonian bound.) or voicemail, right?

Not Ari.

No, she jumped out of the shower & ran for the phone.

Along the way, she tripped over a body pillow lying on the floor, curled her toes (a bit too much it turns out), and ended up sprawled out on the floor.


Somehow, she made it to the phone and was able to answer with a guttural, “Hello,” BEFORE it got to voicemail. She must not have let it ring very long before jumping out of the shower. She certainly had time to grab a towel.

Honestly, who did she think it was that she needed to get to the phone right away? The Queen of England, Ed McMahon?

Probably not Ed. He would have shown up at the front door. Can you imagine that? He and the rest of the Publishers Clearing House posse are standing outside her door with that gigantic check and balloons AND a camera. Then, there’s Ari whipping open the door.


Her foot was killing her and swelling up. She managed to put clothes and scrounge up one of the not-answering-the-phone folks for a trip to the emergency room.

Once you get to that triage area, the first thing they ask you is, “How did this happen?” Being the type of person she was, Ari told them the whole story. Hello! Lie a little and say you tripped over something like a dead body, not a pillow!

Upon inspection, the doctors told Ari her toe was turning a beautiful shade of purple. First off, since when is anything painful even remotely beautiful? Secondly, she totally had to check it out at home with a mirror because she just not that bendy anymore. Unfortunately, for you all, she didn’t take pictures. Well, maybe it’s fortunate. I’ve never seen her feet. They could be knurled and decrepit for all I know.

Turns out she chipped the bone in her big toe when she tripped over the pillow. How do you break a toe on a pillow? Really, did it have rocks in it? A dead body?

She’ll have to alter her shower routine from now on. She’s got a few options:

  • Don’t answer the phone – that’s what voicemail is for.

  • Bring a phone into the bathroom – like in fancy hotels.

  • Shower in a swimsuit – dual duty (sorta) in that the shower cleans you body and does a bit of laundry.

Silver lining:

  1. She willingly shared this story AND watched me make notes in the black book so she can’t be mad at me for sharing.

  2. It wasn’t me! :)

Thursday, June 4, 2009

One Cool Taco!

My company is celebrating their 300th customer! To celebrate, they had the icecream truck stop by and give us all a free icecream.

I usually go for a fudgecicle, but today the Choco Taco screamed, "PICK ME!"

Not wanting to disappoint, I got a Choco Taco.

As I was riding the elevator to the third floor (didn't want to ruin the yummy-goodness-soooo-not-on-the-diet moment by taking the stairs), I inspected the packaging.

This is what I saw (pay attention to the two circled items on the right):

Glad they cleared that right up!

Silver Lining:

1. It was free!

2. It was good!

3. It was free!

Monday, June 1, 2009

The Mom

They say the memory is the first thing to go, but my mom has a plan to combat that.

First, she has a spreadsheet that has all her passwords in it. The spreadsheet itself is not password protected. Before you freak out, I'll let you know that it doesn't have any user names or websites on it. It's just a list. For this reason, this first part of the plan is not working so well because she has no idea which user name or website goes with each password.

Second, she has a print out of security questions and their answers that she carries around in her purse. Now, the list has some pretty obscure questions such as, "What is the birthday of your favorite boss?"

I understand want to keep this information written down. It's probably a date pulled from thin air. Who knows their favorite boss's birthday? I know my boss's birthday because the VP of Finance brings in bagels to commemorate the date. Except for the promise of breakfast, I have no real reason to remember this information.

However, the second part of her plan isn't working either. Once again, she doesn't know what website these obscure security questions belong to. You would think it would stick out in her mind because of the odd questions, but alas, it didn't.

Further proof that her password memory is going to pot is evidenced right here on this blog. You will note, her comments on this post are from Anonymous, but signed "The Mom".

Then, she gets hip and signs up for a Google account so she can be "The Mom" instead of anonymous. See this post on April 24th:

A mere week later, she has returned to Anonymous on this post:

She couldn't remember the password to her Google account!

It's probably on the non-password-protected list somewhere. Oh well, gotta love her!

Silver Lining:

1. She still remembers where she lives, where I live, and all our names.

2. She also remembers all the words to "The Phantom of the Opera" and belts them out while driving. She just forgets to take her foot off the gas petal when the music builds (she got a ticket for this at least once - that's another funny mom story).

3. It's the little quirks like this that make me love her so much.

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