Grandmama's Christmas Cookies

Ingredients:
3 Cups Sugar
1 Cup Shortening
1 ½ Cup Buttermilk
1 tsp Baking Soda
1 tsp Baking Powder
3 Eggs
¾ tsp Nutmeg
7 to 8 Cups Flour

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

Blend sugar & shortening.

Add buttermilk, baking soda, baking powder, eggs & nutmeg.

Add flour until you can roll it into a ball and it doesn’t stick to your hands.

Roll out dough to desired thickness & make shapes with cookie cutters.

Bake 10 to 15 minutes – until very slightly brown.

Place on wire rack to cool prior to frosting & sprinkling.


Ma Berg’s Christmas Cookie Frosting
Ingredients:
1 lb Powdered Sugar
¼ tsp Salt
½ Cup Shortening
1 Egg White (no yolk)
¼ Cup Water2 tsp Corn Starch

Mix all ingredients for five minutes. If too runny, thicken with powdered sugar.

Divide frosting into bowls and add food coloring for added fun!

Molasses Spice Fizz Cookies

Ingredients:
1 Cup Butter
1 ½ Cups Sifted Confectioners’ Sugar
1 Egg
2 ½ Cups All-Purpose Flour
1 tsp Baking Soda1 tsp Cream of Tartar
¼ tsp Salt
4 Tbsp Molasses
2 tsp Ground Cinnamon
½ tsp Ground Nutmeg

Preheat oven to 400 degrees.

In a large bowl, with electric mixer at medium speed, beat butter until fluffy. Gradually add sugar; beat until blended. Beat in egg and vanilla.

In a medium bowl, combine flour, soda, cream of tartar and salt. Gradually add flour mixture to butter mixture, beating until blended.

In a small bowl, combine molasses, cinnamon and nutmeg. Blend into dough.

Cover and refrigerate at least one hour or overnight for ease in handling.

On well-floured surface (lots of four or it will stick – trust me!), with floured rolling pin, roll dough 1/8 inch thick.

With floured cookie cutters, cut into desired shapes.

Place on ungreased cookie sheets and bake five minutes.

Cool on a wire rack prior to glazing & sprinkling.


Christmas Cookie Glaze
Ingredients:
1 lb Powdered Sugar
¼ tsp Salt
½ Cup Shortening
1 Egg White (no yolk)
¼ Cup Water
2 tsp Corn Starch

Mix all ingredients for five minutes. This should be runny – add water if necessary.

Use a BBQ brush to glaze the cookies. Sprinke pretty quick after glazing – it dries fast.

That Carpet

Cupie had colored some pictures and planned to give them to her grandparents from the Great White North.

I noticed Cupie sitting on a rug by the back door, punching holes with a pencil into red construction paper. I told her to move away from the door because Rob was going in and out quite frequently.

She says to me, “I need to do this here because I can’t get pencil on the carpet and this (pointing to the linoleum) is too hard. And I am not going to get pencil on that carpet.” I don’t know where she learned that tone; although, I have the feeling I should stay away from mirrors lest I find out.

What made getting pencil on the rug any better is beyond me.

In the end, she taped together a very lovely (but holey) “box” to put the coloring pages in.

Silver lining:
1. The rug is kind of oatmeal colored so pencil won’t show up on it anyway.
2. Bumpa & Nana loved the coloring pages when they were here this past weekend. Sorry Grandma Berg, the "box" was ruined, but the coloring page is waiting for your arrival this weekend.

Don't Eat the Flowers!

My grandma is a remarkable woman.

When she was 85, she was "Gettin' Jiggy With It" at my wedding. I love that memory.

She says things like, "Beau-ti-ful" and "Won-der-ful" while exaggerating the vowel in the first syllable.

She is now 94 and still volunteers at a center that prepares meals / helps those in need. God bless my Uncle Dan who lives with her and helps take care of her. Dan also drives her everywhere because she can't see worth a darn!

While we were up in Wisconsin, Grams joined us for a Thanksgiving feast at my dad's.

Everything was delicious - turkey, dressing, home-made gravy, lumpy non-powder potatoes, pink jello stuff, seven layer salad, the ever present green bean casserole - mmmmmmmmmm!

Dan, in all his kindness, loaded Grams plate with a little bit of everything. When he was going back for seconds of seven layer salad, my grams said, "Oh, what's that?"

He told her what it was, to which she replied, "I didn't get any of that."

He said that she had gotten a little bit of everything. I also pointed out that there was still a little on her plate, as evidenced by the peas.

She bent her head down to look and says, "Oh, I can't see what's on my plate. I've just been eating what's here. All I know is I'm not eating the flowers." She was talking about the design on plate even though they actually had leaves on them.

Gotta love her!


Silver lining:
1. Being 500 miles away, we don't get to see her very often. At 94 we are blessed to still have her here on earth and we all got a chance to see her at least one more time.
2. We made my grams' year by being there for a holiday.
3. She is still getting around by herself (except for driving) and has a sound mind - we can all hope to be doing so well when we're that age.

The Trip Up

Last week was just too busy to get a post in before we left - SORRY!

The trip up to Wisconsin was quite uneventful.

We planned on leaving at midnight Wednesday, but ended up leaving at one. That in and of itself is quite an accomplishment for us. Usually, we set a time to leave for a big trip and end up leaving town well after the set time.

Before children we would go on float trips with a big group of friends. It always involved camping for one or two nights. I am not much of an outdoor girl and would prefer to sleep in a hotel, but my Eagle Scout husband will have none of that. As an Eagle Scout (the highest Boy Scout rank), he is all about being prepared (as per the motto) and in doing everything without modern conveinences while camping. This means we do not use lighter fluid. We make a chiminy do-dad, light paper at the bottom & hope it gets the charcoal hot enough to burn. Honestly, the way he was so anal about making a fire, I'm surprised we were even allowed to use matches. I'm sure if it were totally up to him, we would rub sticks together or if it was sunny, at the very least use someone's glasses to make a flame. There were usually eight to twelve other people there so I think in a survival attempt, he gave into the matches. If he is drastically out numbered it is in his best interest to not hold up the fire for cooking - you don't want an angry mob on your hands.

Camping also means we have to sleep in a tent. For him a tent needs to have enough room to stand up, change clothes, do a jig and have a lounge separate from the sleeping quarters. We used to have the "tajma-tent". It had it's own "living room"! I think it said it slept eight, which means it only sleeps six, and there were only the two of us. For me, he gave in to an air mattress and I no longer had to gather leaves to form pillows - he let me take my own.

Because we usually ended up leaving so late, we were the last ones to the camp site and had to set up our tent in the dark (even though the sun doesn't set until almost ten o'clock). We fought about it every time because (a) I'm bad at setting up tents and (b) I'm crabby because it's late. This tent set up became a source of entertainment for our friends. The would turn their chairs toward us, pass out popcorn & wait for the show to begin.

So anyway, one hour lag was a pretty big deal! The kids slept most of the way. Cupie woke up around 5:30 or 6:00 just as it was starting getting light. She looked out the window and said, "What's all that white stuff?" It was snow!!!! It's not like she's never seen snow before, but in St. Louis, it ususally melts before the end of the day. Snow that lasts more than a day is a novelty. Welcome to the frozen tundra baby!

Silver lining - We still have children after a nine hour car ride (we're not in jail for permanently maiming them either).

Ridin' Along in My Automobile - Part 2

Please read the previous post before continuing: http://lifemakesmelaugh.blogspot.com/2008/11/riden-along-in-my-automobile.html

We worked on our “laptop on a box DVD player” the other day.

First order of business was to find a sturdy box that will fit in the back seat. Now, it’s a pretty roomy back seat, but not any box is going to do. Computer boxes were our best bet for something quite sturdy, but most of them are too big. A computer monitor box is at least 2’X2’.

After taking careful measurements, we decided to cut one of the monitor boxes in half and sandwich the two pieces together to make one skinnier box. Initially, this didn’t work so well. The two halves don’t fit together very smoothly. Duct tape was in order. We needed to tape the two halves together in order to keep it together and the top mostly flat.

You know how tape has a tendency to un-stick itself from cardboard? Well, it does. We solved that problem by wrapping the duct tape all the way around the box – side to side & top to bottom.

We put the box in the back seat. It fit snuggly, thanks to our careful measurements, between the front & back seats.

Snug fit from front to back – check!

There was a problem though. It seems there is a small hump in the middle of the backseat floor. While the box fit pretty well, we needed to make sure it didn’t rock from side to side while on the road.

Second order of business was to stabilize the box. Lop off the bottom & cut a little curve in the bottom. That sounds like a good solution. Back to the car.

Stable from side to side – check!

Time for the laptop. We attached Velcro to the top of the box & the bottom of the laptop. This seemed to work out ok, but now we needed to plug in the laptop. Rob has one of those adaptor boxes with a regular outlet on one end and a thingy to plug into the cigarette lighter.

Power – check!

We put the girls in the back seat and went for a test drive.

Reality – big fat goose egg! There seemed to be some issues.

First, the girls complained that they couldn’t see very well. It was an old laptop so viewing the screen from an angle left much to be desired in the picture quality. There were a whole lot of dark spots.

Secondly, and overall more important, the front passenger seat could not be reclined. It seemed there was an obstacle. Oh, yah, it must be the box because it had to be wide enough to hold a laptop and the space between the two front seats was less than 12”.

I guess this wasn’t such a good plan. Good thing we tested it early. We still have time to order a new DVD system – it should arrive on Monday.

Silver lining:
Dude, do I even need to give you one? In retrospect, the whole idea was not such a good idea.

Ridin' Along In My Automobile

We are driving to Wisconsin to visit my family for Thanksgiving. It is a big to-do because we haven’t made the trek to the frozen tundra since my cousin got married more than three years ago.

Speaking of that wedding, we had one of those handy-dandy portable DVD players which kept Kate occupied. We had to listen to the same Baby Einstein video over and over, but we eventually tuned it out. Kind of like when your spouse is babbling on and on about designing a VPNISPVOIPRAMROMCPU (how do you pronounce that?) compatible computer network, the decision making process in choosing the right fabric for drapes, or fitting FASB amortization tables into the GL matrix.

Something went haywire with the power cord on that DVD player and we called in a warranty claim, got a shipping label & everything. We haven’t gone anywhere for a really long time so I didn’t think about it much until I came across it while unpacking our garage (one year after moving into our new house). It had never been sent in for repairs so it is now useless.

Back to the Thanksgiving trip. We no longer have a video system to entertain the kids on the eight+ hour trip to see my parents. Until, EUREKA, Hubby had an idea!

He has an old laptop with a DVD player in it. Could I sew some kind of bag and harness to hold it between the seats? I couldn’t believe I was actually considering this. I guess I could try to sew something – my specialty is straight lines so it could get interesting. What would we use for the harness part? Maybe elastic? No, too much movement. How about we just tie it up with rope?

Driving down the highway (or at every rest stop), I can only imagine the thoughts of the other travelers around us:

The elite in their limos: Suckers! They have to drive themselves. I think I’ll take a nap now.

The soccer mobile (AKA mini van): Glad I bought this mini van with the DVD player built in. What a bunch of hoosiers.

The couple without kids: We are sooooo buying a vehicle that has the DVD player built in. I don’t want to look like a hoosier driving around town. (Never mind that kids are expensive enough without going out and buying a special vehicle just to feed their need to watch videos 24/7.)

The grandparents: Those poor deprived children, their grandparents should get them one of the car systems for Christmas.

The other families traveling several miles with kids in the car & no DVD player: Damn! That’s a good idea. Wish we had thought of it.

We considered it further. Sewing something wasn’t such a good idea. There were too many complications – how to hold it up, creating a slit for the DVD drive to open, sewing something like corners, etc. We needed a new idea.

There isn’t a hump in the middle of the back seat, maybe we could put the laptop on a box. How would we keep it on the box? Velcro. OK – we have a plan!

Stay tuned to find out how well this plan was executed.

Silver lining: We’ll just see what happens . . .

Delightful Peanut Butter Cookie Bars

I have made this dessert before with tremendous success. It was sinfully yummy!

There was a “Chili Cook-off” at my office & they were looking side dishes & desserts. The best one got a prize. I thought to myself, what kind of dessert goes good with chili – MY PEANUT BUTTER BARS!!! I had the winning recipe. . .

. . .if only it came out as good as the first time I made it.

The first time I made it, I a single batch and was gobbled up pretty quickly. The dough also fit quite nicely in my average size bar pan. Note: this pan fits in our top oven. Since I was making a dessert for a lot more people, I decided to make a double batch. I had to pull out the BIG bar pan – this sucker is 20 inches long. Note: this pan does NOT fit in the top oven. I cranked on the lower oven, which is bigger and uses more energy to heat up, but it allows more airflow around baked goods so it does a better job overall because you don’t have to up the baking time.

I pulled the cooled cookie dough out of the fridge. It was a little clumpy (should have been my first clue that disaster was going to ensue) and I had to really work it into the pan with my fingers so that it didn’t have any gaps. I ultimately had to use a pizza roller to spread it out into the pan.

I remembered that the last time I made this scrumptious dessert I had to bake the cookie part 17 or 18 minutes; right in the middle of the 15 – 20 minute range. So that’s how long I baked it. After it was finished baking you need to spread some melted peanut butter on top, add a layer of marshmallows, and drizzle on some chocolate syrup. I didn’t have any syrup, but I figured I could add it later.

I tossed it back in the oven sans syrup for another five minutes (per the recipe). After five minutes, the marshmallows were puffy, but most of them hadn’t gotten that nice caramelized color – just a little on the ones in the back. They went back in the oven for another couple of minutes. Still there wasn’t much color.

I was concerned about over-baking (which the recipe specifically tells you not to do) so I pulled it out anyway. It was too late. Four paragraphs ago, I mentioned not having to up the time in the big oven. Hmmmm, yah, forgot about that point. I should have started at 15 minutes and only done the five minute marshmallow thing. The edges looked pretty crusty. Actually, that may have happened no matter what I did considering the consistency of the dough when I put it in the oven.

I muttered something about not having a Crème Brule torch to brown the rest of the marshmallows. Hubby’s eyes lit up. I though he was thinking about the soldering torch he had and about fainted at the thought of that flame hitting a dessert I was bringing to work and seeking a prize!!! He was actually thinking about one of the lighters we had. It’s one of those refillable ones that acts like a mini torch. It was sort of like a Crème Brule torch and I gave him the go ahead.

It didn’t light at first, but finally the pffffffffffffff sound was emitted and Hubby started waving the lighter over the pan. Continuous movement was not working so he started concentrating on smaller areas and lit one of the marshmallows on fire!!! I made him stop, deciding I didn’t want to burn down the house (it was a sizable pan and could have made quite a bonfire in the kitchen) or least of all, present some blackened peanut butter coal to my co-workers.

Before cutting it and putting it on a tray to bring into work, my peanut butter bars had to cool. I was going to a Mary Kay party at my friend Mary’s anyway so I could take care of the “presentation” after I got home. This also gave me an excuse to ask for someone to give me some chocolate syrup.

After the party and at least two glasses of wine (she lives within walking distance so I was not drinking & driving), I was going to add the syrup & cut up the bars.

I added way too much syrup and decided to mop it up with some paper towels. Here’s a tip: Hershey’s Chocolate Syrup does not “mop”, it smears. I guess that took care of anyone noticing the marshmallows were not caramelized. It also hid that burnt marshmallow quite nicely. Ten paper towels later, I was ready to cut.

Now this pan is expensive & Hubby would kill me if I used a knife in it. I used a spatula to cut the first row out & move it to a cutting board. It was C-R-U-N-C-H-Y! The marshmallows were super sticky too. I should have cut the edges off because you could have broken a tooth on them, but I didn’t think of that until after I cut it all up. By then the pieces would have ended up too small to matter so I left them. I easily moved the remaining bar from the pan (because the cookie part was so hard) and proceeded to cut it into squares.

As I was cutting, the marshmallow top started to peel away from the cookie base. I set the “tops” back on and placed them on my tray, covered everything with saran wrap and then had a revelation – the marshmallow was going to stick to the saran wrap! It was too late – I would deal with it before the cook-off.

In the lunchroom, well before the cook-off, I carefully pulled the saran wrap off. It took my fifteen frickin’ minutes as I was gently pealing the marshmallow from the saran wrap and then placing the marshmallow back on top of the cookie – every single one of them.

As I watched my co-workers eat them, everyone would take a bite and the entire marshmallow top came with the first bite - that sticky marshmallow wouldn’t give up to a set of choppers for anything. It was embarrassing.

Needless to say, no one asked for the recipe nor did I win a prize. Phooey!

Silver lining:
1. There weren’t any bars to bring home so it wasn’t a total loss.
2. I may not be expected to ever bring home-made anything into the office again. Everyone will be relieved when I bring in store bought stuff.

You Will Always Be Older Than Me

I’ll admit it. I’m getting older – not old, just older.

Cupie saw a guy with thinning hair and asked what happened to his hair. Good thing he wasn’t in ear shot – I would have been mortified. I first explained that talking about how people look is rude. Then I told her that sometimes when men get older, their hair stops growing on their heads and comes out their ears & nose instead. I told her to ask Uncle Steve (Hubby’s brother) next time we saw him if he had more hair growing out of his ears.

Hubby has nice thick hair with no evidence of thinning, but being three years older, he will always be older than me.

Recently, in an effort to convince my children that their father was old, I’ve told them the following:

You see that port-a-potty out there (we live in a construction zone)? Well, daddy is soooo old, that they had a wooden one of those in their back yard. He had to go potty in it because they didn’t have bathrooms in their house. It was called an outhouse back then and they smelled pretty bad because there wasn’t any water to flush.

You better take care of your toys. Put your toys away so no one steps on them and breaks them. You know, when daddy was little, he didn’t have cool toys like this. They had to hunt for a block of wood, then use a knife to cut a design out of the wood – it’s called whittling.

You can’t play in the kitchen when daddy is cooking dinner. The stove is hot and you could burn your self. You see that fire under the pot? Daddy gets really excited about cooking on the stove because back when he lived in a cave he had to rub two sticks together until they started a fire.

Hubby got me back though. After one of these jibes, he said, “Mommy's not as young as you think. Daddy may have been on the council to name ‘dirt’, but Mommy was in the audience.”

Good one.

Silver lining:
1. He's still older than me.
2. Well, he's still older than me.

Goin' to the Courthouse, and We're Gonna Get Married . .

When I was pregnant with my eldest daughter, Cupie, I swelled up like a balloon. I looked more like a bloated sausage than a balloon, but that’s beside the point. I started wearing maternity shirts around four months. My fingers had already started to swell and my wedding ring no longer fit. I was self conscious about the fact that I was obviously pregnant, but now appeared to be unmarried.

I begged until Hubby finally agreed to go to Wal-Mart to buy me some sort of ring. I have a nickel allergy so I couldn't buy just anything; otherwise, I’d be swollen, red & itchy – a real pleasure to be around for sure. We stopped by the “fine” jewelry cases and looked at the plain gold bands. They had real gold bands in all sorts of sizes so I could pick one out right away & wear it as soon as we paid for it.

We had to ask a store clerk to help us because the rings were in a locked case. Of course, she had to stand there & pull out rings as we requested them. Oh, and we noticed later that Rob was not wearing his wedding ring at the time either.

Me: This one fits – it is fifteen dollars.

Hubby: OK, let’s pay and go home.

I shrugged my shoulders and set the ring down.

Hubby: What’s the matter? You seem disappointed.

Me: It would be nice to have something with a little sparkle. There are some nice ones over here.

We moved down a little bit – the clerk moved with us. By this time I had noticed Hubby’s ring was missing. I could totally read the look on the clerk’s face. It was to avoid these looks that I was buying the ring in the first place!!!

Me: This one is nice and it’s only thirty-five dollars.

Hubby: THIRTY-FIVE DOLLARS!?!?!

The only thing that would have made it any worse is if we had blacked out a couple of teeth and stop bathing three days before walking into the store!


Silver lining:
1. I got a sparkly ring and no longer felt self-conscious
2. The second time around, I could care less what people thought. When my ring didn't fit, I didn't wear it. Live & learn.

BUSTED!

We had family pictures taken recently. Hubby, the girls & I walked ahead of our photographer toward the fountains in the Grand Canal. When the photographer caught up to us, she said, "Did you see that? That guy almost ran me over!"

We hadn't seen anything, but it's a busy and weird little intersection so it did surprise me. Almost everything in New Town moves slower except for the cars.

The rest of the photography session was uneventful, but later . . .

The girls were inside taking naps, it was beautiful outside, and I had perennials to plant for next spring.

My neighbor was out for a run, but stopped for a moment. He said, "I'm sorry I almost ran over your friend earlier today. I saw you guys and waved, then I started to go and there she was! She gave me this nasty look and I said I was sorry . . . ."

When he stopped blustering, I was laughing. Obviously, he was confused. I had to explain - the photographer told us about almost getting run over, but we didn't see anything (not even his friendly wave). He totally busted himself!


Silver lining:
1. We are all human - who hasn't had a close call like that?
2. I glad I'm not the only one who busts herself. See my earlier blog entry here - http://lifemakesmelaugh.blogspot.com/2008/10/b-101-have-escape-route.html

Dear God, Bless America

I’m not one to debate politics, and right now, the attitude of this country is not making me laugh, but these quips are.

ENJOY!

“After Governor Bill Richardson switched his support from Hillary Clinton to Barack Obama last week, an angry Bill Clinton said, 'Five times to my face he said he would never do that.' Wow, so he looked you right in the face and lied to you. What's that like?" --Seth Meyers

"John McCain has been accused of stealing policy ideas from Wikipedia, which is ridiculous. Everybody knows McCain doesn't know how to use the Internet, so how could you even accuse him of that?" --Craig Ferguson

"Oprah Winfrey's in the middle of a big scandal, because she is refusing to have Republican vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin on her show. The friction started because Palin said if she's elected, she'll be the most powerful woman in the country. And Oprah said, 'The hell you will!'" -Conan O'Brien

"You see Barack Obama at that rally surrounded by all those Kennedys? Man, I couldn't tell if he was running for president or bartender." --Jay Leno

"After his big speech in North Carolina today, Senator Joe Biden said he was experiencing a sore throat and lost his voice. Boy, the good news doesn't stop for Barack Obama. Just one lucky break after another." --Jay Leno

"Stock prices are down; major companies are being purchased by the government. It is a bear market and, I have to say, Sarah Palin is just the lady to shoot it for us." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Barack Obama called Hillary today to thank her for distracting everyone away from the whole crazy pastor thing. Obama's campaign is all about hope -- hope Hillary keeps saying stupid crap and getting herself in trouble." --Craig Ferguson

"How are you going to be the vice president of the United States with five kids to take care of? She's got a four-month-old of her own, she's about to become a grandmother, and she's partnered with John McCain. How many diapers can one woman possibly change?" --Jimmy Kimmel

"Here's the amazing part: back in 1984, Sarah Palin actually came second in the Miss Alaska beauty pageant. Now she could be vice president. You know what that means? For the first time in history, a beauty pageant contestant might actually bring about world peace. They've talked about it for years; here's one that could do it!" --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama gave a speech in Germany and 200,000 people showed up. There were so many Germans shouting and screaming that France surrendered just in case." --Craig Ferguson

"We're learning more and more about John and Cindy McCain. He's on this big biography tour. I guess his wife Cindy is worth over $100 million because the family made money selling Budweiser beer. So he has a wife 20 years younger than him, free beer, and unlimited money. I think I speak for all guys when I go, 'Why is he running for president?'" --Jay Leno

"And they say that Barack Obama now is a little down in the polls. Now this is a surprise, because after they announced the vice presidential candidate, they were hoping to get that Joe Biden bounce. Now don't confuse that Joe Biden bounce with a Bill Clinton bounce -- that'll get you impeached." --David Letterman

"According to the New York Times, Barack Obama's campaign is having a hard time meeting their fundraising goals. And they're pressing their donors for more money. They want more money. In fact, Obama said today, he's willing to take change. He will now accept change." --Jay Leno

"Vice Presidential nominee Sarah Palin today said she thinks the economy needs some shaking up and some fixin'. I'm pretty sure that is also her recipe for oven-baked chicken." --Jimmy Kimmel

The Spoon

All my sister & have to say is “the spoon” around my mom and we all crack up.

My sister & I were in BIG trouble one day. So much trouble, Mom sat us down on the living room steps. This is where my parents always sat us when they wanted to talk to us together – I guess the couch was too comfortable and the hard steps were part of the punishment. She had also gotten out the wooden spoon – oh, oh.

So, Mom’s yelling at us. All I can remember right is “blah, blah, blah, AND I MEAN IT!” She smacked that spoon on the top of the knee wall she was leaning on and it split in two!

My sister & I busted up laughing – we couldn’t help it. Thank goodness Mom didn’t have another spoon handy! Fortunately, it was enough to relieve my mom’s anger and she started laughing too.

My mom lost all control over us from then on out. Anytime one of us was doing something that might get us in trouble, the other said, “Better watch it, Mom might get the spoon out.” Laughter would ensue and Mom’s punishments would be lighter. Like being sent to your room for the evening – never mind the TV, telephone & radio we each had.

Silver lining:
1. I learned a valuable lesson that day – spoons are not infallible.
2. I made a mental note not to make my kids rooms so comfortable that it’s not a punishment to be separated from the family for an evening.

BEWARE - El Chimichanga

I mean El Chupalupa.

No, El Chupacabra. This is a bloodsucking extraterrestrial that preys on livestock and prefers goats.

My friend Kitty’s family believes in this thing – and it could be here in Missouri.

The fact that is officially classified as an extraterrestrial, gives one the first clue that it is an urban myth. The second clue is that this mean ET was originally seen in Puerto Rico, but it is now associated more with Mexico. Third, the first sighting was in 1995, the same year “Species” was one of the top 30 grossing movies of the year. The resemblance between the creature in this movie and this bloodsucker is uncanny.

Somehow this chupalupa (as I affectionately call it), has made its way to Missouri. How did it get here? Well, I have a theory on that.

First, it had to get off Puerto Rico so it must have hitched a ride as a stowaway on a cruise ship. Unless, it was a Halloween cruise, then it could have just boarded as is. Other cruise goers would probably wonder why this “person” wore their costume all the time, but the exceptionally weird people are usually left alone. Exceptionally weird people tend to be talkers about stuff nobody cares to hear about and mistake you talking to them as an attempt by you to bond with them in everlasting friendship. A cruise ship, while quite large, is a moving island with no escape; thus, the exceptionally weird are avoided by normal people.

Second, once it got to Mexico and wiped out the goat population, it had to move on to greener pastures – the United States!! Perhaps it saved a few goats to trade with the “coyote” for a ride across the border. Again, he might not get away with it until Halloween so timing is key. On the other hand, if the coyote really needed some goats, he might not ask a lot of questions.

Finally, the chupalupa got a ride on the drug expressway. Interstate 44 (pronounced farty-far for some St. Louisans) is known for being a gateway to the Midwest for drug cartels. The chupalupa jumped off at Independence. Independence is not know for their goat population (it’s apparently the real gateway to the West, never mind the fact that St. Louis has the big arch), so Kitty’s mom won’t leave her dog out in the yard for long because the hungry chupalupa might be lurking.

Silver lining
1. Thank heaven for http://www.snopes.com/ – the saving grace for telling us whether every outlandish story we here is real or not.
2. Having never heard of this before Friday, but now a self-proclaimed expert, I don’t really think it came to Missouri. Why would you leave someplace warm like Puerto Rico or Mexico for Missouri (it is quite cold out today)?

It's Hard Being This Damned Smart

His words, not mine. When I say his, I mean my darling husband.

When we have a big day coming up (holidays, election, leaving an employer, etc), one week before the day, Hubby will in announce, “It’s the second to last, second to last day!”

What?!?!?!?!?

He’s been saying this for years and I never really understood it. He could explain it a thousand times and I would get it for the moment and then forget.

Do YOU get it?

Here’s the rationale:

Let’s say Halloween is our big day, which is on Friday, October 31st this year. This is the last day.

We’ll work backward from here.

Thursday, October 30th is the second to last day (we all use this phrase)

Wednesday, October 29th is the third to last day

Tuesday, October 28th is the fourth to last day

Monday, October 27th is the fifth to last day

Sunday, October 26th is the sixth to last day

Saturday, October 25th is the seventh to last day

Friday, October 24th is the eighth to last day. However, this could also be called your second to last Friday. Because Thursday, October 30th is your second to last day already, Friday, October 24th is your “second to last, second to last day.”

OH, MY GOSH! How many years to you think this has festering in his mind? It’s been at least five years because the phrase was first uttered two houses ago. Believe it or not, he thinks this was a stroke of genius! It just came to him one day.

Unfortunately, he is not the only one with a really weird theory about dates. Another time, I’ll discuss my sister, Sissy, and her “pretty number” thing.

Silver lining: Good thing I am not that weird – our kids would really be messed up. Considering both Hubby & Sissy have a thing with dates, it’s coming from both sides of the family. It may be too late, my kids are definitely screwed.

Jury Duty . . .

You get the summons in the mail and groan.

Nobody really wants to serve on a jury, but it’s something almost all of us with a driver’s license will have to suffer through one day. It’s our “civic duty” – gag me!

I got my first summons and had to report to the court house yesterday. It’s amazing how many people think they are way more important than everyone else so they should be excused.

First off, I was Juror 206 out of ???. All that mattered was Jurors 1 thru 210 had to report, unless you had already been excused. Apparently, 114 people had come up with good excuses when the summons first showed up in their mailboxes because of the 210, only 96 of us had to report. I should have put something on the form – what’s the most outrageous, hardly believable, but somewhat probable excuse I could have come up with?

Request for excuse: I can not report for jury duty on October 20th because I’m sure my parents are coming to get me on that day. I was left on the door step of the local Walgreen’s with a broken locket inscribed with 1020 W. From what I understand, there was a flash of light in the sky and a shiny disk flew away after I was placed in a plastic basket that had been left outside. Each year on October 20th, I sit patiently at the Walgreen’s, waiting for their return. I’ll know it’s them because they will have the other half of the locket with the rest of my real name on it. You see, “1020” must refer to October 20th & the “W” is the first letter of my first name, which is really “Weglesnar”. I have a spooky feeling this is going to be the year. The courts certainly would not want to be responsible for me missing out on this once in a lifetime event.

You think they would buy it?

Of the people who didn’t have written excuses and had to show up, three stood out:

One lady showed up with her baby in a stroller. She claimed her sitter had an emergency so she had to bring her son with her. For all I know, she borrowed a kid from a neighbor. Good gig – I’ll have to remember that for next time. Can you just imagine me dragging in Cupie? I’m sure I could train her to annoy everyone with a bunch of silly kid questions until they offered to pay me to take her away. Wait a minute, she is pretty good at that silly kid question thing. It wouldn’t take much to crank it up to REALLY annoying.

Another guy lamented about the fact that he was leaving for an “executive conference” on Tuesday. If he got picked for jury duty, he would be the only executive in his company not in attendance. Wah, wah, wah. “All the other kids got to go!” It was probably some motivational pow-wow where they all go boating, deep sea fishing, or some other unnecessary executive perk-ing.

A nurse in a chemo-therapy office said her boss was probably just going nuts today. “I don’t know how they are going to make it through the day without me” – can you say “DIVA!” Apparently, she asked for an excuse letter, but her employer would not provide one because they feel it is a person’s civic duty to serve. If her absence was really going to put them in some kind of terrible bind, surely, they would have made an exception. Anybody who thinks they are irreplaceable is in for a rude awakening one day.

Sure, I did my share of complaining. Who wouldn’t? I sat there all day and never saw the inside of a courtroom. I complained about what I could have done instead of sitting there, but I knew I didn’t have a real excuse so I sucked it up. I certainly did not make comments that would insinuate that my time was more important than anyone else’s.

Life is life – get on with it!

Silver lining:
I got to read the first couple chapters of a new book – I didn’t even have to sneak away to the bathroom for peace & quiet.
I discovered my electronic “Sudoku” game needed new batteries because it had been left on last time someone (probably me) played with it. I’ll know to check it next time.
I now know how long I can sit in a metal chair before my butt goes numb – it’s about 1 ½ hours, in case you were wondering.

I Like to Talk . . .

If you've ever met me, or read enough of this blog, you know, I have a lot to say! I don't think I ever really admitted it until recently. Admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery. Unless, you want to stop reading this blog, you should hope I never make it past step one. I digress, but to make my point . . .

I love my friend Demi, but DUDE, she is a slow eater. I know you should slow down and enjoy your food. Honestly, this is just the way Demi is - she is always the last one to finish a meal.

We went out to lunch at Dave & Busters recently. I don't know what we ordered and it doesn't matter. I finished my meal long before Demi. I was chatting away as she was eating and at one point, she stopped and asked me, "Do you mind if I keep eating?"

I said, "Of course not! You eat, I get to talk!"

Silver lining:
I have a dear & cherished friend in Demi. There is no need to look for a silver lining when you have friends like her.

I'm Going Crazy, Want to Come Along?

That was my dad's favorite expression when I was growing up. He would have the car keys in his hand and I would ask, "Where are you going?"

The response was usually, "Crazy, want to come along?"

The answer was always yes.

My kids drive me crazy sometimes. Take, for example, a recent dinner at the Covey household . . .

Part of the meal consisted of macaroni & cheese. My husband has gotten both girls hooked on BBQ sauce on their mac-n-cheese (GROSS!) so it is now a standard request. One night, we were out of sauce (DUN-DUN, DUUUUUUUUUN).

Cupie: I want some BBQ sauce.

Me: We don't have any.

Cupie: But I want some.

Me: Didn't you hear me? We don't have any BBQ sauce.

Cupie: BUT I WANT SOME.

This was obviously a lose, lose situation so I did what every good mother should. I ignored her and ate my dinner. Now, don't give me that look of horror! The way I figure it, I didn't throttle her; therefore, I'm a good mom.


Silver lining:
1. I may have broken the BBQ sauce on macaroni & cheese habit.
2. I'm one step closer to the nut house - where I can veg out & sleep all day in a padded room

How Do You Argue With That???

Dinner. It's always a good source of blog fodder.



We hadn't had pizza in awhile and I wanted pizza. I'm the mom and I can make those kinds of decisions.



The pizza was in the oven cooking already when Kate asked me what were having for dinner.



Me: We're having pizza!



Cupie: I don't want pizza.



Me: I know you like pizza. You'll be hungry later if you don't eat with us.



At the dinner table, Rob took over the negotiations.



Hubby: Here, just try some pizza.



Cupie: I don't want pizza.



Hubby: You've had it before. I know you like it.



Cupie nibbles on a piece.



Hubby: Did you like it?



Cupie: Yes.



Hubby: See. I told you, you liked pizza



Cupie: I didn't say I didn't like pizza, I said I didn't want pizza.



Now, I ask again, how do you argue with that????



Silver lining:

• Our baby is growing up and is actually understanding the nuances of the english language.

B&E 101 - Have an Escape Route

There is a lot of new construction around our house and I am nosy.

Once a house is under roof, I like to wander in and check it out. As it was, there was a nifty looking two story house built facing the green space near us. It was a style I had not seen in our community yet so I had to check it out. I was supposed to be "exercising" by walking directly to the mail center and back, but where is the story in that????

Any who. The door to this house is on the side - weird, I know. While the door had a latch, it didn't have a regular door knob, just an hex-head wrench-like device in the hole acting as a handle. I wandered in and made note the family room and kitchen, then wandered upstairs. The drywall was up and some vinyl on the kitchen floor, but nothing else so it didn't take long to take the tour.

I needed to be on my way because if I got home an hour after I left with no mail, I'd be in trouble. Back to the front door I went, only to find that there was no handle on the inside of the door - CRAP!!!!

In the kitchen, there was another door leading to the back yard - whew! I opened this door and looked down six feet at a sea of mud. Fantastic (not)! There were egress windows to the basement on either side of this doorway I was peeking out of, but they were at least four feet down AND to either side of me! The construction workers had placed a 2X10 across the span between the wells, but with all the recent rain, it was already bowing. Not to mention the fact that a 2X10 laying flat, stretched at least six feet between supports, is not very stable. I could just visualize myself stepping down on that board, thinking I had solid footing right before the CRACK! The board would snap & I would be sandwiched between two flying pieces of 2X10 right before I fell face first into the mud sea. DOUBLE CRAP!!!

OK - just think. I figured I could hang onto the door frame and swing myself out to one of the window wells and land on the edge. Considering the wallowing in the mud scenario above, this seemed the best alternative. Fortunately, my aim was pretty good on this day. I landed safely.

Now, I had a new problem. The door was still open. With all the rain, I didn't want anything inside getting damaged so I need to find a way to close it - how is that for a considerate criminal? I looked around (and discovered my next problem, but let's finish with this one first), but there was nothing. Just little ole me on my little ole ledge. I reached, managed to grab the bottom of the door and pull it toward me. But I had to get me fingers out of the way before it closed. It only took three or four times before I got enough momentum going, but it finally closed.

The problem I alluded to is that there was NOTHING around me. Nothing but the solid wall of a house, a window well, and the mud sea. I had at least twenty feet to the nearest solid surface, save for a little patch of grass/weeds just large enough for a person to stand on. The plan was to leap to the patch, stop, then re-group. I leaped out to the patch, but the momentum was too great so there was no stopping! I had to keep going, but managed to only take one step in the mud before getting to the alley!!!!!!!

I composed myself, looked back at the house, then got back to the original mission - getting the mail. I walked down the alley and realized there were neighbors sitting on their porch with prime viewing of my escapade!!!

I walked up to their porch and opened with, "I know you guys must be thinking, 'What, the heck was she doing?!?'" Wouldn't you know it, they didn't even see me! I totally busted myself for no reason!


Silver lining:

1. I learned to NEVER close the door behind me when I'm snooping unless there is an operational door knob.

2. My heart got more aerobic exercise escaping that house than it would have had I leisurely gone and gotten the mail as planned.